“Stop texting me. If I wanted to go on the second date, I wouldn’t have stolen all your jewelry.”
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I backed my car away from the intersection so a jogger could run by and they waved at me THREE times.
In my head, we are now married and have two children, Charles and Ariel.
a house doesn’t have to be haunted to scare me, I’ve seen the listing prices.
Did you know that your iPad has a built in bathroom scale app? Go ahead, try it.
The sign at the pool says,
Children Under 12 Require Supervision.I guess anyone over 12 is allowed in with only normal eyesight.
Yellowstone visitor upset bears didn’t show (Would like park service to train them):
I love rap beefs, it’s so romantic when two guys sing songs to each other
My husband left me this morning. Again.
he’ll be back after work, but still. I’m getting really sick of these games.
my biggest flaw is saying “don’t worry i’m gucci” when in fact i am t.j maxx
No honey, there isn’t a neighbor working with a nail gun this early. That was just my knees creaking when I got out of bed.
Passer-by: hey buddy, do you have change for the phonebox?
Clark Kent: why would I change in a phonebox?
P: I didnt-
CK: I’m not Superman
🤣
The Indian restaurant I work for is so secretive I had to sign a legal agreement that I wouldn’t share the flatbread recipe
Just their standard naan disclosure agreement
Do you have anything the size of an eyepatch on the left & a cantaloupe on the right?
– Me, bra shopping
remember if you want to send me flowers today my favorite kind are mushroom pizza
Move the bed into the kitchen, bro
“We were trapped in the elevator and had to make a terrible decision”
Which was?
“We ate Bill”
OMG. How long were you in there?
“4 minutes”
The next time I lose my car I’m just going to let it find its own way home.
I’m a great babysitter. If you’re interested, I can offer an above 95% survival rate.
I would definitely deny being from here if the aliens pulled up and asked. Not claiming this embarrassing planet in front of intergalactic travellers, are you dumb?
“How do you feel about this combination of paint?”
“Well, mixed emulsions really”
waiter: *whispers* sir your card was declined
me: yeah *whispers* i don’t have any money
Being made to smoke a whole packet of cigarettes is wasted as a punishment for getting caught smoking. I should be made to smoke cigarettes whenever I do anything wrong.
Sundries sounds like something grandma would call scandalous underwear
I suspect that my cat has plans to kill me, but has just never been awake long enough to carry them out.
Advantage: human.
To apply for a job at Hooters do they hand you a bra and say, “Here, just fill this out.” ?
honestly there’s like 4 types of people. babies, 14 yr olds, people who are exactly ur age, and people who are 500 years old
CRYING
ME: I guess you could say I’m your stolemate now lol
MY KIDNAPPER: Get out!
*takes everything personally
Everyone: hey, give me that back!