fondly reminiscing about the time i overslept for work by six hours and didn’t get fired
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I was riding my bike this morning and a guy yelled “Cow” at me. I turned and gave him the finger…and ran straight into the cow.
Interviewer: why do u want to work here
me: revenge
You: (about to show me a video on your phone)
Me: oh haha ya i’ve seen this already but def don’t ask me any questions about it
I swear, one more minor inconvenience and I’m running away to join the circus.
Just by looking into someone’s eyes, you can tell if they have eyes
“There will be snacks.” – someone successfully convincing me to do anything
*getting murdered* omg stop you can get in a lot of trouble for this.
Thank goodness I have subtitles on, otherwise how would I know there is sinister cackling
Which essential oil is best for getting people to stop talking to you
You don’t have to choose between being a fighter and a lover. If you say you have a bad back you can normally get out of doing both.
Welcome to adulthood.
You have a favorite brand of pain reliever now.
Me: [in Airplane Mode] Don’t call me
Me: [in Airplane! Mode] Don’t call me Shirley
You’ll use a different oven for the pizza, right? RIGHT?
If you find a perfectly usable item discarded outside someone’s house, it’s best to assume it is haunted and leave it well alone:
– a nice chair? No, an evil chair
– a child’s bike? No, a possessed child’s bike
– a half-eaten burrito? Eat the burrito
Finally my winter fat has gone!
I now have spring rolls.
Her: What’s your favorite part about being a stay-at-home mom?
Me: Showering is optional
Her: HAHAHA, be serious.
Me: Ok, no drug tests.
The news: Kidnapping, war, starvation, mass murder.
Me: There’s nothing worse than having a hangnail.
If you wish me a happy thanksgiving don’t be surprised if I whip out a ziplock bag and ask you to bring me home some leftovers.
If you held a gun to my head and forced me to choose Tobey Maguire’s Spider-Man or Andrew Garfield’s, I’d probably shit my pants.
As we start gaining speed in the bobsled, I realize it was a mistake to bullshit my way into this.
Having kids means you’ll have a lot of interrupted conversa–
I may not be able to out run the zombies when they come, but this cheeseburger is going to make me taste great
Thought it was funny when my 2yo was walking around saying “where are my keys!?” like his dad but now he’s saying “where’s my purse?!” and he’s gone too far.
My body might be failing, but at least my mind is still sharp as a sack.
Him: I like it when a girl growls at me
My stomach: *growls*
Him: not like that
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
Interviewer: Name some of your weaknesses.
Me: I procrastinate. Haphazard, cantankerous…
Interviewer: Strengths?
Me: Vocabulary?
This is so me 😂😂