sneezy geese carry a honkerchief
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ME: I dislike myself
THERAPIST: That’s quite common
ME: Really?
THERAPIST: Yes, for example, I don’t like you
Don’t make my same mistake. See the signs. Make a change.
Pro tip: Instead of having kids, just adopt a couple raccoons. They’ll trash your house too, but at least they can feed themselves.
All of my passwords are the names of various “Friends” characters. Except for Ross. I’ve never used Ross. Not after what he did to Rachel.
(drops a Cheetoh on the ground)
ants: seize him
Me: *reading headline* Man Plunges to his Death
Also me: that could be the result of a terrible accident or overzealous plumbing
I see you’ve blocked me on all social media sites & moved house without leaving a forwarding address
Baby, does this mean we’re on a break?
Disney set unrealistic standards of how often woodland creatures would help me clean and do laundry if I just sang out my window
ok hear me out: Luigiana
If you’ve committed to pulling a door handle that says push in front of people you have to rip the handle off. You can’t let a door own you.
When you want to key his car, but he doesn’t have one, so you bend his bus pass.
MARATHON RUNNER: [breaks through ribbon at finish line]
GUY WHO LOVES MARATHONS: Hooray
GUY WHO LOVES RIBBONS: What the shit
A wise man once said if you understand why pizza is round, placed in a square box, and eaten as a triangle you will also understand falling victim to reading a long meaningless tweet and then share it in hopes of making someone else a victim of the tweeters cruel game.
Look grandma. You told me to bring something to the wake. If you meant a casserole, you should have said so. Now help me load this drum kit.
me *brings toddler his popsicle* What do you say?
toddler: Finally
I overheard my neighbor tell someone on the phone that I was creepy.
I was so mad I almost crawled out from under the bed & confronted her.
So crazy to think that a group of ninjas could be fighting right next to me and I’d never know
Can you imagine the abject horror I experienced when I saw the groom pull out a guitar and tell us he was about to hold a sermon?
Relationship Status:
My Christmas tree and I are sharing a large bottle of water.
A sip for you, a sip for me.
What if the Government invented cheese to distract us from reality?
*gets arrested*
Interviewer: Why should we hire you?
Me: Well, if you hire me, I will make all of your other employees look FANTASTIC by comparison.
Day 27 without sports:
Hesitated for an inappropriately long moment before intervening in my kid’s living room brawl.
The second cup of coffee does for me what a can of spinach does for Popeye.
If you wear a mask during a meeting no one can see you scream but they sure can hear you.
A Goofy Movie gave me unrealistic expectations about what I could and couldn’t do with aerosol cheese
Who called them reply guys instead of first responders?
My ideal woman:
– beautiful
– bold
– speaks French
– has an army
– is of arc
And Satan said “Let them drink instant coffee”.
if you’re going to go around calling pets “fur babies” I’m going to call real kids “skin babies”
Man: “I think I saw a UFO last night”
UFO with fake moustache: “Nah, it was probably one of them optical gases or something”