I only like movies with a happy ending, which has led to several arrests in theaters
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Jurassic Park taught me not to exploit dinosaur labor.
*watches wife take out ice cream
*watches wife scoop ice cream into bowl
*watches wife eat ice cream
Me: SO WHATCHA DOIN’
“Siri, what are the side effects of Valium?” I mumbled into the tv remote.
Burgers, she wrote.
– Angela Lansbury before she goes shopping.
I don’t blame sharks. If someone walked into my house and started splashing around in my bath, I’d bite their leg off too.
A little known historical fact is that Alexander the Great had a younger brother named Bob the Pretty Okay
Ways in which I’m like a bus:
– Often late
– Breakdown at the worst possible times
– Demand change from other people
– Weird smells
“I may have to take you up on that,” I say to a person I will never speak to again.
I’d like the chicken-fried steak, please.”
Uh lemme get back to you
*runs to kitchen*
YO WE GOT ANY CHICKENS THAT KNOW HOW TO FRY A STEAK
Me: is it too late for an epidural?
doctor: ma’am, he’s 11 years old
zookeeper: [putting up sign] do not feed the animals
giraffe: [also putting a sign up somehow] the zoo does not speak on our behalf
My neighbor was yelling at her kids so I joined in by repeating everything she said.
I have a tenuous grasp on the English language. Shakespeare? That dude’s grasp on the English language was, like… twelveuous.
Why are government cars always in a hurry!! That sense of urgency is not reflected anywhere in their official duties.
Settle down lifeguard, I can swim, it’s just not pretty to watch.
6yo: I like my hair short and long. I want my hair to be short and long at the same time.
Me: *shows her a picture of a mullet*
6yo: Oh no.
Sorry for all the mean things I said when I was driving.
Me: Your dating profile said you’re looking for a girl who knows how to have fun.
Him: Yes! *winks*
Me: [starts taking kittens out of purse]
I sexually identify as that one escaped cricket who’s hopping around on the pet store floor.
“babe, lauren. you always act like this when you do gin shots. you’re causing a scene”
I once taught an 8 am college class. So many grandparents died that semester. I then moved my class to 3 pm. No more deaths. And that, my friends, is how I save lives.
I’ve started leaving chocolates on my daughter’s pillow so she’ll feel like she’s living in a hotel and eventually check out
[being murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
Your neighbor is a sleeper agent, but not from one of the serious countries.
Me: Would you have a minute to speak about my lord and savior, nachos supreme?
Her: Sir, for the last time just tell me your order.
ME: You have a bigger piece of avocado.
HUSBAND: No, but you can take mine.
ME: Yes you do, but I’m fine.
HUSBAND: Are you sure?
ME: Yes.
HUSBAND: *almost takes a bite*
ME: (sighs)
HUSBAND: Seriously, do you want this?
ME: I said I’m fine. Eat your giant avocado.
Nurse: strip down to your underpants
Me: ok *removes pants to reveal second pair of pants*
From the other room 4 just yelled, “Don’t worry, mom! I’m not doing anything,” and I think I have a pitch for the next blockbuster horror movie.
does any one know where i could find some Unsolicited advice? preferably from people with weird personality disorders who dont know anything
Ok so all of our kids get excuse notes for school tomorrow whether in person or online right?
“I’m sorry I’m late, my parents were drinking stuff and yelling at the TV all night”