[pregnant with first child]
Wife: our daughter is only going to eat organic, non-gmo, non-processed foods and drink volcanic rock filtered water from the island of Atlantis.
[two years later]
Me: our daughter just licked Cheeto crumbs off the floor.
Wife: she’s fine.
You Might Also Like
Have your tribal tattoo call my tramp stamp and let’s make beautiful, douchey babies together.
PHARAOH: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: should we leave them a note to explain how we did it?
PHARAOH: yes, take this down
SUBJECT: ok
PHARAOH: cat, dog, snake, bird, cat, man with the head of a cat, dog, cat, bird
Harry Potter accidentally hits ‘reply owl’
This is Kaia. She knows she’s not supposed to be on the couch. In her defense, you were not supposed to be home this early. 14/10
As I was going through my wallet for a second I thought I got robbed… And then I remembered I got gas.
HAMMOND: and then I extract the dinosaur blood from the mosquitoes
DR. GRANT: are you gonna use it to clone them?
HAMMOND: *takes sip from trex blood smoothie* use it to what?
Just spent 3 hours doing yard work *
* Looking for my gloves in the shed
Me drunk dialling “oh sorry wrong number”, my Dad “now wait a minute”.
I told my therapist what you said and she’s gonna call your therapist and you’re in big trouble
All I’m saying is never trust a towel that’s not hanging in it’s normal place when you get out of the shower…
I did some exercise in 2010, I should be good for another few years…
Rights to name a newly discovered dinosaur will soon go up for auction. I can’t be the only one concerned about this poor thing that’s stayed hidden for millions of years getting named after a rapper.
My toddler has discovered this new thing that makes her laugh uncontrollably and it’s watching her parents try to swat a fly
I often choose gift bags instead of wrapping, not just out of laziness, but also because I have the fine motor skills of a drunken panda.
Sorry about that time I gave you advice that would have made your life ten times better. Good thing you chose to completely ignore it. Phew.
when i say i like when older men tell me what to do i am talking about yoda and his teachings
Him: Why is my sandwich 6 inches thick?
Me: The ham expires tomorrow.
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
Just unzipped skirt and my real stomach poured out. Exercise my sister says but life is too short to be running when nothing is pursuing you
Whenever someone says, “Good question” I never hear their answer because I’m too busy congratulating myself for asking such a good question.
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
If I insisted on getting my kids to bed by 7:00 every night, I’d have to start their bedtime routine just after breakfast.
I tried to check your drinking water for quality and freshness. Next time please warn me when it’s sparkly water that will bite my nose holes
Sure sex is great, but have you said that perfect comeback at the exact best time instead of thinking about it two weeks later in the shower?
Cop: *searching my car*
“WHERE IS IT?
I KNOW IT’S HERE!”Me: *trying to swallow a Nickelback cd*
“IT’S NOT MINE, I SWEAR!”
Morning.
The person in front of me paid for my coffee and I had to do the right thing, so I ordered a donut also.
cover letters are so weird like bro why do I need to write you some fan fiction about working for you
Not now ex-boyfriend. Someone favorited 2 of my tweets. I’m a huge deal around there now & you lost your chance. Just kidding. What time?
This is from an actual conversation 🤣🤣
Scientist: We don’t really know exactly how that happens. They’re performing electron microscopy, PCR, & tissue cultures to figure it out
Random person: Did you try searching the internet?