me as a teen: chapstick is stupid
me in my late 30’s: who the hell touched my recliner chapstick?!
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FRIEND: it’s a strange time to be alive
ME: *looks at watch*
ah yes, 6:30
A nasal spray that’s filled with glitter, so when you sneeze it’s like a confetti popper.
“you’re so quiet” i wish you were too
181.
They:’What doesn’t kill you..’
Me:’I don’t want to be stronger.’
A car pool is an extravagant waste of water.
I show extra confidence at a job interview by giving a firm handshake before and after every question.
5-year-old: Guess what? Today in school someone’s EYE broke open.
Me: What???
5-year-old: I’m done telling this story.
👽Hey aliens, Since you’re in the area can you please come get me? I’ve got Coca-Cola and chicken!
“FINISH HIM,” I scream, as Nana takes the last bite of her gingerbread man.
When I see someone texting and driving I swerve my car into them and try to run them off the road cause texting and driving is illegal.
Okay you guys, I’m gonna distract Twitter with an internal server error. When I do, make a run for it and get your life back.
*sees a baby screaming on the plane* wait– WAIT. WHY IS HE SCREAMING. OH MY GOD WHY IS HE SCREAMING. WHAT DOSE HE KNOW THAT WE DONT
Someone just asked my son what other type of fish do you like then?
He replied….chicken.
Thank god he is good looking.
[first day after lying on my job application]
me: can we pull over at a mcdonalds or something
co-pilot: what
{Company meeting}
Pres: Our biggest fears have come true…*I run to check on the donuts
*Stroll back in, spitting crumbs “what’s wrong?”
You can save a lot of money if you just steal everything
If you kill a spider you’re brave but if you kill a person you’re a monster, I’m really tired of these double standards
Dude, I’d love to go out with you, but this one person 80s dance party in my living room isn’t going to host itself.
Wife: You never listen to me
Me: Of course I do[2 hrs later]
Neighbor: Is your wife home?
Me: No, she took the car to get waxed in Brazil
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
I bought a witch cauldron type-thingy today.
I dunno what compelled me to do it, but here I am, hovering over it with a dash of coriander.
[at the running of the bulls]
ME: imma try to pet ’em
*narrows my eyes at you suspiciously*
*keeps narrowing them*
*closes them entirely*
[naps]
Please don’t tell my kids they haven’t got a pet chameleon.
Why the hell would I use turn signals? I know where we’re going.
You don’t know true paranoia until you Google “How to tell if you’re being spied on” and a photo of your living room comes up.
She’s a ten but she only speaks a long forgotten dead language and her eyes are solid black and she spends too much time on the ceiling.