Sent out a mass text invite to my pity party & Autocorrect turned it into a pita party. Now I’m eating hummus with people I don’t even like.
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At what age do you tell your child Alexa isn’t real?
Tell a woman she has cute kids and she’s all proud.
Whisper it to her and she calls the cops.
[time machine appears in my old bedroom]
FUTURE ME: Put that book down, go outside, and enjoy your youth.
YOUNG ME: [stunned] Okay, okay *runs outside*
[time machine ceases to exist]
FUTURE ME: Dammit. I really should have thought this through.
me: what kind of plane do you fly?
pilot: private.
me: it’s ok i won’t tell anyone.
CUCUMBER 911: What’s your emergency?
CUCUMBER: Please send help! I’m trapped in a jar full of vinegar!
CUCUMBER 911: hmmm, this is a pickle!
Me: Can you describe the suspect?
Him: He was heavily armed
Me *writing octopus* this is bad
Real life dad college courses
Garage law
Power nap philosophy
Nosy neighbor studies
Barbecue physics
Zipper theory of merging traffic
Thermostat dynamics
“My wife’s just made me breakfast using the hot bread cooky thing.”
“Toaster?”
“Ladies and gentlemen, to my wife!”
“Get out”.
me: bye bye miss american pie
miss american pie: “bye-bye”? what are you, four years old?
me: this is why i’m leaving. you’re a mean lady
Imagine a spider. Scary, right? Wrong. This spider is imaginary. Really makes you think
My wife is mad that my daughter is crying in this restaurant but she should be mad that our daughter is so bad at tic-tac-toe that I’ve beaten her 24 times in a row.
For sale: Haunted bonnet, comes with robin egg. DO NOT SEPARATE THE BONNET AND THE EGG $5
Murder is legal if it happens after a morning person says “WELL WELL WELLLLLL LOOK WHO FINALLY GOT UP”
My dog Daisy, whom I love very much, just ate a check from a foundation for $50k. Most awkward email I’ve had to send in a long time.
Great news! I found the lid to my favorite Tupperware bowl – the one I threw out last week because the lid was missing.
“Why won’t you loan a neighbor a cup of sugar?”
[ sigh ] “You’re a pile of ants wearing a bathrobe.”
[ bathrobe sags dejectedly ]
When you do it as an adult it’s a Wet William
If you’re not following me and received this tweet, it’s because someone is smarter than you.
i would wish you the best but i am the best
Psychiatrist:
“Tell me about your kids.”Me:
“Total disappointments.”Psychiatrist:
“I still think this is a conflict of interest, Dad.”
I trimmed all the bushes in the front yard to make my house look bigger.
I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word.
My BFF is on her second child but I’m on my 3rd tapeworm so I win
Jurassic Park taught me not to exploit dinosaur labor.
“who hurt you” myself bro, I make horrible decisions
Country rooooads
Let’s-a goooo
It’s-a meeeee
MariooooooMushroom Kingdooom
Mama Miaaaa
Take me Hoooome
Rainbow Roaaad
interviewer: if i said the meat here isnt real how would you sell it
me: our chicken really is somethin else
interviewer: welcome to subway
If people start referring to your outfits as “get-ups,” you might want to start rethinking some of your fashion choices.
3 weeks ago: I can’t get plastic bags for my groceries?!?!! 😠
Today: I can’t get groceries. 😑
I feel this so hard