friend: the bathroom is upstairs
me(drunk): wtf? *pees pants*
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ME: my car makes weird whispering noises…also the doors lock by themselves & blood comes out the CD player
MECHANIC: must be the spark plugs
Me: Just a glass of water
Scientist waiter: You mean a glass of… yourself? You see, the body is made up of ok ok sit down I’ll bring it
How could I possibly be dehydrated? I drank a bottle of wine just last night
Outside: Massive bolts of lightning. Deafening roars of thunder. Buckets of rain pouring from the heavens as the lights flicker.
Alexa: A thunderstorm warning has been issued-
Me: NO SHIT ALEXA
Elon Musk made $180M when PayPal was acquired in 2002.
He put $100M in SpaceX, $70M in Tesla, and $10M in Solar City. He borrowed money for rent.
Now, he’s worth $190 billion.
The greatest entrepreneurs aren’t driven by money; it’s a byproduct of success.
I have a Russian friend who’s a sound technician.
And a Czech one too.
There should be a “Life of Pi” TV show, where they throw a different D-list celebrity in a boat with a tiger every week.
Torturer: you shock him this time
Me: more people have been on the moon than won Takeshi’s Castle
Torturer: no not— wait really
I said “I’m not going to repeat myself”
My wife asked me about the Oxford comma and now she wants me to go back to my usual brooding silence.
Me: [sees bath water is bright yellow] I thought we ran out of those colored bath tablets.
Son #2: [in bath] We did.
Serious question: how long should your hug with the pizza delivery guy last? I don’t want things to get creepy.
If you run out of milk for your coffee just use cheese. Dairy is dairy. Stop making me solve all of your problems
[Safari]
“Remember, when you’re near water beware of wild hippos.”Don’t worry, I’m prepared for that.
*shows handful of white marbles*
Just built a kite that’ll hold my cat. Figured if a mouse helped discover electricity then my cat & I should be able to unlock time travel.
“He is woke.” – Millenial Easter
Billy where is your homework? “im sorry Ms. Klein my dog- *sees dog in the window make a throat cutting motion* -gone cat ate it”
Me: How do you guys want your steaks cooked?
Kids: Cook them so they taste like chicken nuggets.
It’s like my granddad used to say “If you have to ask the question, then you don’t know the answer.”
Me: I’m so fat…
Him: *rolls eyes*
Me: *rolls fat*
My kid brought home a school fundraiser packet in case anyone wants a $43 roll of wrapping paper or an $80 candle.
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me: [lifts gallon] yea it’s easy
Wife: I mean from the store
Me: I would imagine it weighs the same there too
(Art Museum)
Me:*sees nature painting*
*pulls out sharpie*
*draws sun in the top left corner*
My 5th Grade Art Teacher: *thumbs up* nice
guys are so hard to buy for
like what do they like besides other girl’s pictures??
i don’t know who needs to hear this but you can totally just buy an ink stamp that says CLASSIFIED and stamp it on whatever you want
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because its hard to have fun when you might shit your pants
[in the driveway]
It’s not sporty, but it looks efficient. How many miles per gallon do you get in this bad boy?
Pizza delivery boy (getting out of his Prius): …wuh?
Nothing’s stopping you from doing a book signing. You don’t have to have written a book, there are plenty of them just lying around
“I’m just gonna pull on weird animal parts until something comes out that I can drink”
-guy who discovered milk
Now I find out my ground hands are actually called feet wtf is going on today