The number of decades in your age directly correlates to the days of recovery you need after a night out
You Might Also Like
“I can’t wait to get inside you,” I flirtatiously whisper to a coffin.
“I’ll have a rum and coke”
Is pepsi ok?
“Sure whatever”
*hands you a pepsi and coke*
Stop breeding everything with poodles!!!
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
Them: You’ve changed.
Me: hmm doesn’t sound like something I’d do.
I put my earbuds on just like everybody else. Frantically as someone approaches.
Took my fluffy little dog to the beach thinking maybe he’d frolic around in the water, play fetch, dig a hole in the sand. He ran straight for a dead seagull and rolled around on its carcass
Bad weather is My way of temporarily punishing you. Bad climate is your way of permanently punishing you.
[making money] Ugh this is boring and awful. But at least spending it will be nice!
[spending money] Ah no this feels bad also
batman: I protect the innocent, the helpless, the people with no one left to save them
alfred: right
batman: also need you to make another costume, I adopted an angsty orphan and wanna send him to fight an insane clown
I’m sorry that I gave your baby a wine cooler. I forgot that I superglued a mustache on him earlier and thought he was of legal age.
My girlfriend said I never do anything to help so I hid her phone.
I’ll prove her wrong when I find it.
Trainer: Diet to hit your goal weight.
Me: Then what?
Trainer: Diet forever to maintain it.
Me: *heading to Pizza Hut* Nvm.
[enters elevator]
Me: *audible toot*
Them:
Me: I am not here to make friends.
Me, age 18: I’ll be a homeowner by the time I’m in my 30s
Me, in my 30s: I own a single pair of matching socks
This looks like Wile E. Coyote trying to catch a hypochondriac Roadrunner:
Me redecorating every room in my mind
“Nailed it.”
-inventor of crucifixion
You’d be surprised at all the discounts you get when you come in swinging a sword!
Boss: We’ve just found out that one of you is a sloth
Jim: oh no
Jo: oh no
Karl: oh no
Boss: obviously we will need to
Me: oh no
Don’t be sad dirty dishes, nobody’s doing me either.
Chomsky? I’m afraid I don’t Noam
Marriage vows in the future will include things like “During pandemics, I promise not to judge how many glasses of wine you drink.”
My hobbies include knitting and leaving one star reviews on recipes when I used different ingredients and different techniqes and it turned out gross.
I’m shocked every four years when for some reason everyone I know is an Olympics expert. I’ll go to a party and everyone’s like “Brazil’s sailing team is phenomenal this year”
I’m already putting money away for the my future child’s therapy because I know they’ll be emotionally scarred from having their friends always comment on how hot their mom is
[Batman’s parents return after 40 years]
Surprise!! Wait, wtf are you wearing?
When you vacuum your kid’s room and it just sounds like millions of Rice Krispies being sucked up
Look, I’ve been a widow struggling for four years to raise my kids on my own. Hallmark told me I should have tripped over a handsome hunk of man, who turns out to be rich, with a good heart by now.
This is bullshit!
Them: What did you make for dinner?
Me: Arroz con pollo
Them: What’s that?
Me: Chicken and rice
Them: Why didn’t you just say that?
Me: 🤦♀️