FRIEND: Remember, women love confidence
ME: Ok[Later]
DATE: So *smiles* am I gonna have a good time tonight?
ME *confidently* nope
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Detective: Did your husband have any enemies, ma’am?
Wife: Well, the cat next door never really liked Jim, and that always seemed a bit odd.
George Washington died in 1799. The first Dinosaur fossil was discovered in 1824. George Washington never even knew Jurassic Park existed.
The most embarrassing moment of my life was when I called my teacher “mom” during sex.
Dropping your phone going up the escalator & catching right before it hits, awesome!
The woman in front of you wearing a short dress turning around and thinking you’re trying to take an up shot, not so awesome.
boss: trouble at home?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] yeah
boss: wife giving you grief?
me: there’s a bee in my kitchen
Changing my name to Shotgun so my friends call me
My kid’s piano teacher told me he liked my Halloween shirt and I told him thanks but this is just how I dress.
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
5 yo- can I roll down the car window?
Me- yeah, just don’t yell at that man.
sorry to the aisle people but window is so unbelievably superior….I am gazing upon the universe from heights pilgrims only dreamed of and you are just….closer to the poopoo room. A place I already go all the time.
Maybe your parents told you a watched pot never boils so you wouldn’t go around sticking your face near boiling water, idiot.
I feel so envious when I see young mothers pushing their babies in strollers. I want my OWN…..my own stroller & someone to push me.
My son has stolen my iPad to play minecraft. Please retweet this so the notifications disrupt his playing.
Friend: My in-laws have been married for 57 years today.
Me: Gross.
I miss the days of Agatha Christie when rich people only murdered each other.
How long can COVID live on breakdancing cardboard?
And can it be killed by sick moves?
[Murder mystery dinner]
ACTOR: The inn keeper was found mutilated in a broom closet.
ME: (from the back of the room) When’s dinner?
My gynecologist recognized me at the grocery store, so I guess I need to start wearing longer skirts.
Keep yourself entertained during quarantine by taking daily mail comments and putting them on New Yorker cartoons to create your own satirical comics.
My 3yo cried all morning because she doesn’t have a shell on her back like a turtle. She wants a shell on her back. A SHELL! Kids are fun.
What’s with people who say food looks too pretty to eat???
Umm, no, you crazy idiot, just pass that plate to me.👍😋😃
I accidentally made eye contact with someone on a zoom meeting. I quickly looked away dripping in discomfort. Then I remembered it was zoom and we didn’t make eye contact at all, she looked at her camera.
Computer: Login failed. Did you forget your password?
Me: oh shi–[Cut to my password waiting alone on the side of a soccer field]
Travelers diarrhea is my favorite illness. You cheat at basketball you get what’s coming to you.
Why stop at 7-layer dip? Make it 15 layers. 25. Go nuts. There is literally no one policing this.
[standing at the threshold like a vampire] my sock has a hole in it
Wife (to our teen): Can you unload the dishwasher?
Teen: See, this is why I don’t come down here
I have a solar eclipse every two minutes inside my living room ever since my toddler learned how to open & close the blinds.
Her: Hey, I was just thinking about you.
Me: Isn’t it fun?
he asked “what are we?” i said we the best