[husband reaching for me in bed]
me: sorry you’ve exceeded your rate limit
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I didn’t believe in karma until I was scheduled to work at 6am on a holiday.
People on Twitter are like “My fake kid can out debate your fake kid on whatever world issue is currently fake popular!”
I’m so lazy, I’ll only walk my fingers through your hair.
maybe if millennials didn’t buy an avocado toast every single day, then they could afford to purchase a house in 1955 like everyone else.
ME: *sighs* yep, story of my life
EDITOR: please stop saying that every time you hand me a draft of your autobiography
Last night, a cop pulled me over. “Out of the car!” he said. Then an Indian, fireman and construction worker appeared. We danced until dawn.
“Bob is coming over for dinner tonight.”
Bob from work or Bob that ended the dinosaurs?
*the sky turns red and warm*
has anyone fixed the sound barrier yet
Toys ‘R Us pulled Breaking Bad figures because the characters sold drugs, but continue to sell Darth Vader ones, and he blew up a planet.
Canadians are so nice and polite bc they made a pact with Satan to have all their hate stored in the geese
WAITER: the duck is organic & cruelty-free
ME: can i order a duck who endured lots of cruelty
WAITER: what why
ME: a duck killed my father
She was rare…
… like pants ordered online during lockdown, that actually fit.
Most of us were taught to never get in cars with strangers, so taxi cabs make absolutely no sense.
My New Year’s resolution is to stop making so many typos.
Wish me lick.
Please boss, tell us again how important it is the company gets to $3 billion in revenue. I bought an 18 pack of beer with dimes last night.
Marriage is one spouse cooking and the other deciding to block them by unloading the dishwasher and ending the argument by rage folding laundry
A lady told me she was a widow and I accidentally said “congratulations.”
[2018]
SON: I have the sniffles.
WIFE: Let’s get you to the ER![1986]
ME: I just took half my finger off with the saw!
DAD: Go get the hydrogen peroxide and a stapler.
ME: …
DAD: Grab me a beer on your way.
Producer: What should we do with the deer movie?
Walt Disney: Kill the mom.
P: and the mermaid movie?
WD: Kill the mom.
P: maybe for the lion movie we can do something different?
WD: Oh ok….kill the dad.
“Siri, what are the side effects of Valium?” I mumbled into the tv remote.
Bone Doctor: Make 3 changes to your diet. Up calories…protein…and foods high in calcium.
Me: *eyes light up* So cheese, cheese and cheese!
What I said: No
What I meant: No
What my dog heard: Okay, but just look real cute.
If I was a vulture, I would make way better use of it than most vultures now. For starters, I would do a lot of ominous circling over weddings.
H. P. Lovecraft implies the existence of H. P. Livecraft and H. P. Laughcraft
When I was in college, my mother didn’t sleep with my math professor to pass the class, I did. Kids have it so easy now.
I got kicked out of the casino in Las Vegas.
I didn’t cheat. I just misunderstood what the craps table was for.
Elliott didn’t care about E.T. He just wanted a flying bike.
Wash your hands like you got a club stamp you don’t want Mom to see
My girl knows I’d never cheat on her because she would need to arrange it and remind me 37 times so I don’t forget
dog 911: what’s ur emergency?
dog: I JUST ATE CHOCOLATE
dog 911: OMG WAS IT GOOD?
dog: [whimpering]
dog 911: ok ok. go eat some grass