Eulogies are just goth stand-up.
You Might Also Like
Christmas decorations should come with coupons for couples counseling.
Follow me for more life hacks.
“dress for the job you want”
There’s a job you want???
DINOSAUR PARTY
TRICERATOPS: GROUP SELFIE!!
*hands phone to T-RexT-REX: Still not funny you guys. Not. Funny.
The best backflip ever!💕🤗🤗
me: did you even eat lunch today?
10: yea
me: what’d you have?
10: i haaaaad cheezits, ice cream and a rice crispy treat
me: your mom is gonna kill me.
Ate lunch made by a friend who’s a taxidermist. I’m stuffed.
I’m so pleased the basket I put in the bedroom so my husband has somewhere to put his shoes is making it easier for him to put his shoes next to it.
A crow just dropped a pink ribbon at my feet. If I pick it up are we engaged or what’s the protocol here
Chores give kids a sense of responsibility while teaching relevant life skills such as procrastination.
you visit my house and within moments i offer you strawberry shortcake. you decline but i put an entire cake on the table and begin cutting it. you are confused. it takes me 45 minutes to eat the entire thing alone and we do not speak
I hate people who are like “drunk words are sober thoughts”.
Drunk me has called 911 because she was “dying from lack of attention”, she can’t be trusted
Can’t tell if they’re hitting on me here?
Do bodybuilding exterminators have better traps?
don’t ask me explain this but a golden retriever is like the 1990s in dog form
I feel most productive at work when I repeatedly click back and forth on the 18 tabs I have open and just know that the work is still there
friend: why did you take up running?
me: *really wants to catch an ostrich* no reason
4 dudes 1 kickflip #Skateboarding #skatetwitter
Pete: I’m Pete
Peter: I’m Peter
Me, competitive: I’m Petest
I was not made for a 9 to 5, I was made to eat pasta and lay in the sun like a lizard
*Do not consume if seal is broken*
I’ve just gone through this whole box of animal crackers and haven’t found one seal.
($800 for an iphone)
oh no problem here you go
(99 cents for an app)
HA I DONT THINK SO PAL MONEY DOESNT GROW ON TREES YA KNOW
Wife: you wanna play monopoly?
Me: sure if there’s one thing we need to do more of as a couple it’s recreational arguing
I know dropping your phone/keys in a public toilet is bad but have you ever lost a shoe trying to kick the flusher
[emergency room]
DOCTOR: Point to what’s causing you the most pain
ME: I can’t, they’re at home playing xbox
‘Brexit’ to be followed by Grexit. Departugal. Italeave. Fruckoff. Czechout. Oustria. Finish. Slovakout. Latervia. Byegium.
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week, and it makes me nervous.
“There’s no I in TEAM,” he yells. “There’s no COACH in LOCKER ROOM,” I respond. He leaves in stunned silence, and is never seen again.