I need a man who talks as fast as Kevin Hart. I got shit to do.
You Might Also Like
[yelling over club noise] I said I want to tell you about my cult
It’s like my grandpa always said: make all your decisions based on the outcome of social media polls.
first person to make a calzone: *looking at pizza* I can fix him
judge: your word is meaningless.
me: meaningless. m-e-a-
lawyer: [hand on shoulder] just sit down.
babe wake up they’re canceling someone you’ve never heard of before
Excuse me, I’m sorry to interrupt but woodpecker tongues go all the way the hell around the top of their skulls like some kind of insane deli ticket machine
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
Sorry it took me 10 months to text you back. I’m a snake now and I typed this with my head.
Him: how do you call your loverboy?
Me: C’mere loverboy.
Him: and if he doesn’t answer?
Me: ohhhh loverboy
Him: and if he STILL doesn’t answer?
Me:
Him:
Me: FFS, I walk away cause honestly I don’t have time for games.
Autocorrect doesn’t recognize my gangsta nature.
alfred: you have emphysema
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman: oh
alfred:
batman: *slowly reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir
Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers right now. Nothing is going on, I’m just a narcissist.
I’ve never texted someone to let them know I made it home safe. Shoulda come with me if you wanted details
Getting older is just one body part after another saying.
“Ha ha. you think that’s bad?
Watch this.”
ME: *reading a tweet* What does fr mean?
WIFE: For real
ME: Yes Sharon. I wouldn’t ask if I didn’t want to know.
My brain knows that there’s a guy doing work on my roof today, but my nervous system keeps acting like the house is under attack.
Kid: “ my dad says you spy on people… “
Mark Zuckerberg: “ he’s not your dad”
If you add ‘ish’ on the end of the time, you’re not really late.
It’s always the last 10-15 peanut butter cups that you end up regretting.
*goes into Lowe’s for a can of paint*
*leaves with $200 worth of Girl Scout cookies*
Him: So tell me a little about yourself.
Me: But this was going so well…
If my name was Simon I would always talk in the third person when telling someone to do something.
okay so let’s say one hypothetically walked outside and a frog landed on their shoulder. when shall they expect the locusts and boils?
wow he looks just like him
It’s okay, facial recognition. I don’t recognize myself anymore either.
My mum tells me that she turns the internet off when she goes to bed, incase you’re wondering why your screen just went blank.
She was attractive, like poultry on a commemorative stamp.
I did it once by accident and now I have to say I love you to my daughter’s boyfriend every time he leaves
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE PREGNANT LADIES GETTING READY FOR THE BIG WEEKEND COMING UP !!!
#labordayweekend
Why I’m starting to hate Twitter…