Don’tcha wish your g/f was fun like me?
*plays Twister*
Don’tcha wish your g/f was a freak like me?
*regurgitates a jellyfish*
Don’tcha…?
You Might Also Like
[gun goes off]
[every runner pretends to be wounded, then laughs and starts the race]
ANNOUNCER: and the annual Dad 5k is underway
In 1993, I saw a toddler slip on ice and land on a cat, but I didn’t have any social media outlet to tell people about it. So, here it is.
[Prison]
ME: Just don’t mention anything about breaking free & they won’t suspect a thing*guard enters*
FREDDIE MERCURY *clears throat*
My wife told me we need a new bathroom scale a week ago, but today she let me know that it wasn’t something she wanted for Valentine’s Day.
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 307 times you must be a suitcase on the baggage carousel that looks like mine.
“I don’t have to run faster than the bear. I just have to run faster than you,” I say to my hiking companion. It is Usain Bolt. A bear waves
The hubby, son and I are all working from home today, this is my goodbye tweet.
me: what’s it even got to be scared of, it’s *wood*
her: I said it’s *petrified* wood
me: I know what the word means plz don’t talk down to me
😂😂😂
*Giant boulder slowly crushes several hundred cats*
Guy who’s about to invent the bagpipes: Hey, this gives me an idea!
If my dog had a catchphrase it would be, “I came as soon as I heard! What do you need me to eat??”
And on the 8th day, God created atheists and said, “Oh man, you’re not gonna believe this.”
What I like about humanity is that certain mustaches are more evil than others, and everyone basically agrees on which ones are which.
Wife – We’re invited to a gender reveal party.
Me – I always knew Ralph wanted to be a woman.
W – It’s for a baby
Me – Ralph is pregnant?
wife: [steps out of time machine] my god you’ve aged horribly
me: u didn’t even turn it on
So I have one coworker who uses “irregardless” and another who uses “unappropriate” and now I’m over trying to conversate with these people.
“Make it rain” is the only appropriate response when asked if you want parmesan cheese.
not me out here checking the growth progress of my potted flowers only a couple hours after i planted the seeds in the first place
I’m so talented I can not only spill food on my clothes but I can get it on yours too.
ME (a plane scientist): ah yes, the plane is clearly thirsty
You aren’t a real Metallica fan unless you hate all but 2 of their albums
Poor helium. I like to imagine there’s a shelium out there somewhere, waiting gaseously
I bought a treadmill because I ran out of closet space for my clothes.
It’s funny how—especially in small towns—we think of lit porch lights as a symbol of welcoming. I leave mine on so the guy who paints himself purple won’t steal any more of my chairs.
People half my age are now legitimate adults, and frankly I find this offensive.
Headed to a wedding but my wife said I’m not allowed to refer to the bride as ‘the veiled threat.’
[forgetting the phrase “your honor”] not guilty, hammer daddy
Frolicking:
The act of licking afros.
[broken down submarine]
captain: we only have two hours of oxygen left
me: [holding 43 balloon animals] one hour