Welcome to your forties.
You brag about how early you went to bed and you’re jealous if someone beats you.
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You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever.
All these pregnancy photos are so annoying. It’s like, “Ugh, we get it, you ate a baby.”
It’s always funny when the flight attendant says “we know you have a choice of airlines” as if free will exists.
people misspelling definitely as defiantly is one of my pet hates however I do like seeing a status like “defiantly getting a chinese tonight” and imagining someone booting down the door of peking garden.
who said “fortune favors the prepared” instead of “ready player won”?
I hum “Eye of the Tiger” when I have to stand-up from a low couch
me: sorry i couldn’t stay longer
friend: no that was long enough
I think it’s safe to say that I’ve earned my gray thumb. My rock garden is blooming like crazy.
Who called it your monthly period and not egg drop soup?
[taking pregnant wife to hospital ER]
Me: Help! My wife’s having contradictions!
Dr: Don’t you mean contractions?
Wife: Never say never
Freaky Friday 2:
The mom and daughter switch bodies again
The mom doesn’t go back
She keeps stealing children’s bodies
She lives forever
[pours miracle-gro on a nickel] i need this to work
I’m not much of a wrestler, can this alligator play badminton?
Him: “I like your locket.”
Me: “Thanks! I got it from a thrift store and it has a picture of a dead couple in it.”
Him: “How do you know they are dead?”
Me: “They are standing behind you. They said they like your hair.”
Cakes!
– the sequel to the cake I had earlier.
Me: *digging a hole* Sorry, honey. Just following the social distancing orders.
Him: It’s six feet APART, not under.
Me: Just get in.
“This isn’t working out,” I insist to my girlfriend as we glide effortlessly downhill on her tandem bicycle.
I like how when we tell our kids that “this little piggy went to market” we pretend it was for apples and cheese.
But weight, there’s more!
– Thanksgiving
Me: A storm is coming
My wife: Do you have to say that every time our kids wake up?
I don’t want to establish dominance. I want to take a nap while someone else handles everything.
[Morning after wedding]
*dead husband lies on bed*
PRAYING MANTIS: [On phone] Mom *sobs* it happened again
MOM: Ok hurry up and eat his body
Hedge fund CEO: I lost $3 billion, my company, my home, and now my wife
Me: Have you considered budgeting?
There’s a bird in the yard and she’s shaking her tail feathers in hope of attracting a mate. HE SHOULD LOVE YOU FOR YOUR BRAIN, I yell.
Cows are looking at us hoarding toilet paper and thinking that we must all have Mad Human Disease.
“Dave’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Dave from work or Dave who misquotes Disney…?”
[from outside]
“…hakuna banana.”
Ladies: To see how a guy is in bed, watch him put on a shoe. Does he just cram his foot in? Or does he lick the shoe fully then gently enter
78, 68, 77, 69, 78, 68, 75, 65, 75, 67, 79, 60
My mom & me, changing the thermostat behind each other’s backs.
my whole life consists of people asking me if i’ve seen this movie and me telling them no i haven’t seen that movie and then them telling me i should see that movie and then me telling them i’ll add it to the list but there is no list and i won’t watch that movie
Do let me know if you’re ever unhappy with any of my Tweets. I will block you immediately. Anything to stop you being sad. You’re welcome 🙂