“I shaved for this shit?” – All of us at one point in our lives.
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I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video
How do you milk an almond?
please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here…
-me opening the dryer
English husband: How’s it going in America
Me: People are shooting at the weather
Coughed up a pawn. Then a bishop.
Damn chess infection 😕
Look, I know you really miss her. But, you know what? Sometimes things aren’t meant to be. One time I really wanted this waffle….
When I was a child, 49 seemed like such an ancient, faraway age, where people would probably totter about aimlessly and confused, forgetting everything, with parts of their decrepit body falling off. Now I actually am 49, I realise I was absolutely spot on.
Hey babe, you look hungry. I have a meal for you in my shorts.
*whips out five course meal from my cargo shorts with still frozen dippin dots for dessert*
My husband loves to role play Sexy Star Wars in bed.
Maybe one day I’ll get to wear the golden bikini.
Probably the worst part about being a penguin is after you’re in an argument, you’ll try to waddle away angrily but still look adorably cute
kids are fun because the only time they stop eating is when you put effort into making meals for them
If your name is Otis you are either an adorable dog or the town drunk there is no in between
My husband and I got in a fight and I was certain I had the last word until we went to bed and he started snoring
If Google can’t find the answer, it’s not a question.
Every time you go away, you take a piece of me with you.
“Awww…. you’re so sweet”.
No seriously, first my hoodie disappears, then my phone charger vanishes, and now my AirPods have vaporized.
Mrs Kelly: what should we name him?
Mr Kelly: (eyes wide af) MACHINE GUN
How to properly use a paper clip:
1. Throw in garbage
2. Use a stapler
[alternate universe where vegetables enforce the law]
person: *sees a robbery* I’m calling the crops
The woman doing my nails said the last person did a terrible job and I should start coming to her instead.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
My husband: Put on something hot and do a sexy dance for me, baby.
Me: *puts on Snuggie and does the worm*
Do my kids help me cook? No.
But do they like what I cook? Also no.
Ok, but do they at least come when I call them to eat? *deepest, longest sigh imaginable*
You hit a couple of curbs, take out a trash can and all of a sudden it’s “you can’t drive”.
I used to care what my neighbours think but then I met them
I guess my least favorite author is probably Hitler
CW: What’s your favorite shellfish fantasy drama?
Me: Game of Prawns 🍤
[Thor Love and Thunder]
me: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* FOUR FOR THOR 4 at 4:44 POR FAVOR SEÑOR
cinema guy: please stop doing this
[Burgler walking around our house] Have…have I been here already tonight?
i think i understand why rhinos are going extinct
I’m not saying motorcycles are dangerous, but the motorcycle section on Craigslist also has a lot of electric wheelchairs for sale.
I gave my wife a tip how she could wash the dishes better.
On a side note, Dawn detergent is really starting to make my hands more soft.