I was kicked out of mime school once. I hadn’t put the safety lock on and my finger guns went off. The whole class took cover in their boxes
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ME: i don’t trust salesmen
SALESMAN: OH MY GOD LOOK OUT FOR THAT CAR
ME: oh shit where
SALESMAN: right over here isn’t she a beaut
My boyfriend said we can’t hang out this weekend because he doesn’t exist.
Lookit me! Getting out of bed! Paying bills! Avoiding eye contact with the laundry!
6: How do you make a bubble with your gum?
Me: You need to push and stretch it with your tongue and then blow
Him: (opens mouth to speak)
Me: Don’t! I heard myself too.
Him: It’s over. You’re too immature.
Me: [with 2 Pringles in my mouth pretending I’m a duck] Quack?
it’s cool I can come out tonight my 11yo son gave me the go-ahead
How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan?
Take away its tiny brooms 🧹
If you watch Intervention backwards, it’s about a person partying hard after an awful family reunion.
I set my alarm clock 15 minutes fast because I enjoy doing math problems first thing in the morning,
It’s me lowering myself down like the upside down kiss scene in Spider-Man but to eat a croissant out of a bakery display
Obamacare? More like “Obama? I don’t care for that guy!!!” Honk if you want poor people to die
thanks for the crochet armor, mom, I’m sure it will work just fine
Pacifist? No, I think all oceans are beautiful
Given my love of animals and hatred of housework, I predict my cause of death will be choking on a fur ball.
All my coworkers put tape over the cameras on their laptops but not me. I don’t care if anybody sees me sighing for 8 hours a day.
Apparently the guy next to me and I aren’t even going to discuss who uses this armrest.
Still cleaning up glitter from my 5yo’s school project.
She turns 15 on Sunday.
The full name for hanky panky is handkerchief pandkerchief
It’s not so much sneaking out of my kids room after she falls asleep as it is doing a trust fall out of her twin bed and hoping the discarded stuffies catch me.
wait I thought laser eye surgery meant I get laser eyes
[job interview for garbageman]
interviewer: I like your enthusiasm, you’re hired
Three raccoons in trench coat: [ecstatic chittering]
Sue from work says putting zucchini in her brownie makes it incredibly moist. I told Sue I’ve had similar successes.
Women who wear pink camo, what exactly are you hiding from?
Interviewer: says here you have been roofing your entire life
Dog: that is correct
[Tinder]
Dora: Swiper no swiping!
Swiper: Oh mannn…
Welcome to Twitter: it’s high school except we all have gray hair.
[cutting through Brazilian jungle]
*finds indigenous village*
Hi, I’m a Prime member.
I’d like to complain that my shipping took three days.
[gf comes home after spray tanning]
Hey, orange you looking good!
“Thanks”
Anytime, pumpkin!
“You’re sweet”
You’re one in vermillion!
me: i’m here for stabbing lessons
clerk: sir this is a fencing clu—
me: yeah whatever hand me a knife
clerk: …
me: dress me like a beekeeper
oh you’re an industrialist? name 5 cheesecakes manufactured at cheesecake factory