Little kids will ask why you’re crying & when you tell them the reason, they say something like “ok can I go finish my drawing?” Yeah go ahead, Dexter
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I just replaced the can of air freshener in the office bathroom with an air horn.
And now we wait…
[ quarantine, day 46 ]
me: this boredom is unbearable
my cat: ffs have you even tried getting into a box too smol for you
“There’s a sleeping person. Let’s go ask it questions.” – Children
interviewer: what are some of your strengths
me: i’m really good at making people question their reality
interviewer: what does that mean
me: [slightly tearing up] you really don’t remember the accident do you
Homework. The teachers’ way of knowing how smart the parent is.
Me: why is my water bill always so high?
Me in shower:
director: ok, hit the lights
me: *slaps a lamp*
director: no i meant kill the lights
me: *pulls out a gun*
People who say ‘mayo’ instead of ‘mayonnaise’ live 12 years longer cos of all the time they save
I wonder if racist families have that one liberal uncle who gets drunk at Thanksgiving and goes on about how Obama is DEFINITELY American.
Disney World has announced it is closing due to Hurricane Ian. While many think it is for obvious safety reasons, the actual reason is if the power goes out and they lose containment the animatronics from Small World will be free to feed.
Teenager: Bae swag YOLO
Me: In better times, people who spoke gibberish like that were burned as witches.
first world problems
I could really use hands-free web browsing.
“Last Christmas” is a strange song. It’s been 12 months and we’re just now addressing this situation?
date: where did u get that, i don’t see that on the menu
me: (biting into my corn on the cob) i bring my own corn on the cob
*watching movie with demon killer clown*
Me to husband: Ridiculous, so unbelievable! Did you see the size of that kid’s bedroom
Me: I’m just worried something really bad is gonna happen
Them *gives me a hug*
Me: and there it is
I have been revising my financial goals for 2023, and I think I am going to start saving up to buy a boat. A gravy boat
[Bar]
me: Gimme one more
wife: I think you’ve had enough
m: Last one
w: Fine
m: *asks waitress for another kids menu so I can do the maze*
I hate it when people show up at MY house, knock on MY door, and then ask me why I’m not wearing pants.
her: have i been a bad girl?
me: *not great at dirty talk* yeah you’re a terrible person.
I’ve been secretly moving my clocks ahead one minute every day since June so we can celebrate New Year’s and get all the kids to bed 3-1/2 hours early without them knowing.
HIM: I wanna be more than friends.
ME: You wanna be BEST friends?
[HR office]
Do you know why we called you in today?
To give me a pay rise?
No.
Because I googled ‘How to burn down office’ 600 times?
Yes.
I don’t like people driving fast… that’s the reason why I overtake them.
I can’t be a runner. I have this irrational fear that if I go for a run I’ll be too exhausted when someone tries to chase/attack me and I have no energy to run anymore.
70% of being married is just wondering which of us is going to benefit from the life insurance.
haha, we all make mistakes. for example, i ate some oysters that i found in the hotel hallway & now i can see my ancestors
a lot of people think Rob is short for Robert, but it’s actually short for ‘Burglary’
“I’m usually closed off. But if you get close to me, you’ll find that I’ll really open up.”
-Automatic sliding doors
Boss: Let’s be frank.
Me: Dibs on “Sinatra.”