Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you accidentally turn into a bat in front of their mom.
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Guys…. Women aren’t hard….. And if they are… They aren’t Women.
In lieu of working today i’m gonna commit crimes
People say I’m not very responsible, when in fact I’m responsible for “pajama casual” being added to the employee handbook as inappropriate.
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time.
Last year for Christmas I got a sweater, this year I am hoping for a screamer or a moaner.
clark, the office penguin, raised his fin and voted “no” on implementing a “casual friday”.
Most computer problems stem from the lack of a fatherboard.
No? Ok, I’ll show myself out.
Searched my teens room for drugs, was told “you don’t give me enough money for drugs.” I don’t know whether to be proud or up his allowance.
My newly married friend begins most sentences with, “My husband said.” My go to response is, “My dogs haven’t said much today.”
I don’t want to be with someone who will finish my sentences. I want to be with someone who will finish the dishes.
[creating man]
GOD: They need air to live
ANGEL: Done
G: And food
A: Ok
G: Use the same hole for air and food so they die sometimes
A: wtf?
*dragging a trampoline to under your window”
Well you cut down your tree so I have to improvise.
A ninja turdle is when you poop really fast.
Email from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Voicemail from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Text from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Receptionist from the dental office in my kitchen during breakfast on Friday: You have an appt today at 2 pm
Tweet about drinking too much = 50 quick likes
Facebook about drinking too much = A phone call from my mom
Doing couples therapy by myself to try and get double the help
Me: Oof my belly.
My wife: Yeah you need to lose some weight.
Me: Yeah
[5 minutes later]
Wife: Oh did I tell you there’s pie?
[10 more minutes]
Wife: By the way I brought home a loaf of callamata olive bread last night, so eat some.-The dangers of a grocery store clerk spouse
Just checked my Fitbit. I’ve taken 212 steps today and that was just from going back and forth to the fridge.
Him: Do you have any food in your purse?
Me: I call it my Snack pocket. My snocket.
Him: Not all words need to be-
Me: ALL OPTIONS SHOULD BE EXPLORED DO YOU WANT THIS Ziplock OF WARM BABY CARROTS OR NOT?
Me: I’d like one wet wipe please
Wet wipe packet: the best I can do is 10
Him: Who ate a whole pan of pigs in a blanket??
Me with crescent roll crumbs stuck to my lip: Burglar.
he asked “what are we?” i said we the best
My boss: Two hours is enough time to get lunch catered for a meeting, right?
Me: *screams internally* I will make it happen.
Imagine the time we’d save if we could just normalize best friends sitting in on marital discussions and arguments so we wouldn’t have to relay all the details later.
[Jedi Training]
TRAINER: Any questions?
STUDENT: Can the Force be with me?
TRAINER: I don’t know…CAN it?
STUDENT: Oh right…May the Force
[blood starts oozing from the ceiling] Oh my god no someone left the blood tap on
I wonder if bon jovi eventually made it the whole way there
What do you mean there’s no cash prize for being the first guy in the neighborhood to shovel his driveway?
i just saw a black girl rt one of those teenage girl accounts saying “i honestly wish I was a teen in the 50’s”………. no u don’t
I befriended a ghost who keeps wheezing all the time.
I named him Gasper.