The most difficult part about taking a personality test is deciding which personality should take it.
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What a heatwave. I just fried an egg on the top of my car! I needed help to get the cooker up there, but it was worth it.
WHAT ARE WE?
Writers!
WHAT ARE WE WRITING?
Snacks!
WAIT, WHAT?
Snacks first, THEN writing!
No, wait, coffee/tea too!
Maybe a nap beforehand!
THEN WRITING?
No, then Twitter
THEN WRITING!
Too late! Time for bed! Writing tomorrow
#amwriting
#writerslife
#writingcommunity
I’ll never just put the seat down; the lid’s going down with it. If I gotta work, so does she.
I’ve been playing GTA for an hour and I still can’t find the “exchange insurance information” button.
I hope I never have to produce an alibi…cause eating salsa in bed with my cat every night would never hold up in court.
My chess strategy is to make a bunch of erratic moves at the beginning to throw my opponent off, & then lose the game
I was best man at my friend’s 2nd wedding. I started my speech with “welcome back everyone” he was not happy #weddingfail
At the grocery store, buying 6 of the same item
Cashier: Are these good?
Me: No. I’m buying all of them just to save others from suffering
If I drop something in the toilet, it’s gone forever. I am not going in after it. Just ask my daughter. Oh, that’s right, you can’t.
you know how picasso had to learn the rules of painting before he could break them? that’s why i’m going to law school
Kids: Why does dad still have to go to work if this virus thing is so serious?
Him: I’ve been working from home this whole week
Me: They haven’t looked up from their iPads since Monday
Him: *Head in hands*
Her: What’s happened?
Him: Well- I…I… I found this head
I know my car needs a wash and valet, but with 3 kids still at home I figure I may as well wait until the youngest moves out. She’s 7.
whenever i see babies crying in movies, i feel so bad. but then i remember it’s just pretend. they’re acting. they’re professionals. they know what they’re doing
Went to Target to look at discounted Christmas stuff but apparently it’s Valentine’s Day now.
Boss: you can’t keep making up new words to try to make yourself sound smarter
Me: I think you’ve intangulated your rememberies to make this seem dramastically worse than it is
Boss: …
please do not approach me unless i have an exclamation point above my head indicating i have a quest for you
‘Siri, am I an alcoholic?’, I whisper into my burrito.
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: Of course
W: Oh yeah, what did I say?
M: [smoke bomb]
W: I can still see you
M: [Another smoke bomb]
Alanis Morissette: It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a knife.
Spoons R Us clerk: Ma’am, nobody asked you to shop here.
“I’m just here for a good time, not for a long time.”
– me, talking to the fridge
*pulling up to the mcdonald’s drive thru*
me: can i get an order of prescription-strength french fries, please
Marriage advice from my Dad: “Leaps of faith are part of every relationship. I go to sleep every night long before your Mom does, trusting that she will not steal my Peanut Chews.”
It’s bad enough that I have to die someday, having my whole life flash before my eyes first just seems excessive
Pretty insulting when you wake up in a bathtub of ice and they left all your organs.
Wife: “Was that lightning?!” Me: “No, they’re taking pictures for Google earth…”
Wife: I think we need a break.
*Titanic crashes into iceberg*Husband: THAT WHAT YOU WANTED?
Wife: Yes.
I carry an extra fish stick behind my ear like a Marlboro.
SCIENTIST: dont be stressed! some rocks becom diamonds under extreme pressure
ME: wat about the other rocks
SCIENTIST: oh they turn to dust
We’ve designed you a new phone 007.
It’s exactly the same as your old phone but you’ll need to buy a new charger.