WIFE: Did everyone at work enjoy the cookies I baked?
ME: [pretending I didn’t eat them all on the drive in] WHATS WITH ALL THE QUESTIONS?!
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[at hairstylist]
Make me look like I’m running really fast.
If a person talks at you for more than 7 minutes straight without pause in a “conversation,” you should be able to go into screen saver mode.
*throws all my dirty dishes in the trash*
Me: Alexa, order me new dishes.
Bank account: *shakes head furiously*
Me: sigh. *starts placing dishes in sink*
“Listen to your body”
My body: you’re 42, sit tf down
Overheard This Weekend
Boy: Babe comes over to my place.
Gal: what do you want us to do?
Boy: Just to chill
Gal: I don’t chill. That’s how people end up with chill-dren!
I’m looking forward to being the last two people on Twitter.
I just saw a post on a group in Facebook where someone was looking for a stud finder. No one commented anything funny. What the hell is wrong with people?
*walks into a nuclear power plant
Do you serve fission chips?
I’ll see myself out..
CULT LEADER: join our cult
ME: no thanks
CULT LEADER: we believe Air Bud was a documentary
ME: I’m listening
ME: some day i will find out Owlman’s secret identity
FRIEND: who?
ME: *narrows eyes*
Wrapping gifts and one kid has more than the other so to even it up I hope she likes this bag of potatoes.
A hypnotist made me believe I was a bendable metal with an atomic number of 82. I’m easily lead.
Ever look in a mirror wondering about the stranger staring back & then realize it’s your neighbor’s window and they’re calling the cops?
What is going on here?
Is Rudolph using a magnifying glass to turn his nose into a raygun?
And who is the reindeer brandishing the cane?
I don’t like doing the same things again so much that I can never be a serial killer.
me: [preparing to give eulogy] *takes jacket off*
priest: don’t undress the deceased
Husband: Um, what are you doing?
Me: My doctor said I should do multiple sets of bagels a day to strengthen my pelvic floor
Husband:…
Me, spitting crumbs: I’m almost certain he said bagels
looking for new reply guys.. mine are sleeping on the job
Ex bf: Would you give me a second chance for a Klondike bar?
Me: you can shove that square peg in your round hole.
If McDonald’s was smart they’d serve breakfast until 2pm on the weekends.
More “kills” on Tinder than any man in the history of online dating, Bradley Cooper is…. American Swiper.
‘Drinking water successfully’ is out
‘Drinking water and letting it fall out the side of your mouth somehow and then down your chin and also to your shirt and oh god you’re sitting and the pants got hit too’ is in
I turned on my computer and it went “Word” and I was like “Yo”.
Yes officer, I know my driving is not 100% perfect, but you have to agree that it is still pretty good for someone who is completely drunk.
CEO of KFC: “We must always respect our customers. That is so important.”
Ian: “Shall we still serve them food in a bucket?”
CEO: “Yes.”
[goes up to a pair of identical twins]
so how did yall meet
on paper i am not against my neighbour playing piano all the time but it would be very nice if they played anything other than the pirates of the caribbean theme
*Seductively stripping out of clothes.
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
If your 6-year-old suddenly runs to assure you in the kitchen that his napping toddler brother is “JUST FINE,” you can be sure that he has tiny dinosaur figurines stacked high on his forehead as he sleeps.
COP: Where were you the night of the murder?
CROW: I was with a group of friends
COP: What would you call that group?
CROW: …I want a lawyer