That was THE best 10 hours of sleep I’ve ever had.
Thanks for asking me to sleep with you!
Huh. You look upset.
You Might Also Like
[blind date]
HER: I love sports!
ME: Uh…me too
HER: Have you ever played tennis on grass
ME: No, but I once went bowling on crystal meth
Useful information: don’t turn around if a woman throws a shoe at your back. Because more than likely the other one is in mid flight.
When you’re firing off drunk texts & you see the 3 dots
3 has started saying “actually,” so now I have a tiny reply guy following me around all day
Me: I can’t get this star on top of the Christmas tree without a ladder, without dumping it over & ruining it.
Whiskey: Yes you can.
Taught my kids to always let a strange dog smell their hand before petting them to see if it was friendly. Should have taught them to do the same with people.
“I love this song!”
“This is my favorite song!”
“I love this song!”
“No, THIS is my favorite song!”
~ Me, listening to my own playlist
“Careful, there’s poop on the dance floor.” – how ballet was invented.
3: Can I be Cinderella?
Me: Sure, you can help me mop the floors, scrub the toilets and the dishes need to be put away.
3:
Me: Well?
3: Can I be Sleeping Beauty?
Me to barking dog: You get away from that window. Leave the poor bunny rabbit alone.
Also me: I bought you a bunny squeak toy you can pretend to kill over and over.
I’m not religious but I know there’s a hell because Monopoly exists
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
ME: “I’m thankful for my skeleton because if I didn’t have my skeleton, I would look like a blobfish.”
THERAPIST: “Okay, I suppose that counts as the one thing you like about yourself, this week.”
[God creating Neil deGrasse Tyson]
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually that’s not how it happened
one of my ex’s just randomly sent me $200 for “the trauma he caused me”. this is the only form of apology i will be excepting from now on
Me: *eating a Mars bar*
Martian: Good grief where will I obtain alcohol now
I just had a near death experience
Death: I SAID 6 FEET, GODAMIT
me: [placing 20 bags of pizza rolls onto counter]
cashier: getting ready for the big snow storm?
me: snow storm?
They put rubber bands on lobster claws to prevent them from being on their phones all day.
I just walked into the living room to find my daughter teaching the family cat to play Cards Against Humanity. I think we’ve run out of ways to pass the time.
Once again not all heroes wear capes
It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Pokey.
But I’ve turned myself around and that’s what it’s all about.
More foods should have boats, why should gravy have all the fun?
Turns down music in car: I’ve never heard that strange noise before *sighs* another trip to the mechanic’s.
Friend: That’s my stomach.
[first date with woman who has a kid]
HER: i’m a single mom
ME: yeah no shit, how many moms did you think i thought you were
My girlfriend broke up with me. I am devastated. How could you. I did everything. I surprised you with burgers every night
Trying to sound more sinister in normal conversation. i just invited my friend out for a drink tonight but i did it by saying “do u wanna meet me for a simple drink at a regular bar no strings attached nothing weird”.
I tend to be very Snow White-ish with animals, but today a squirrel threw a nut at my head
Win some, lose some
A couple who are silly together stay together.
When you’re attracted to someone and you don’t even know why, that’s called chemystery
,,,and send