People often ask how I got to where I am and I look ‘em right in the eyes and tell ‘em I ran out of gas
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*meeting
Boss: Are you sleeping?!
Me: Well I *was*.
St. Patrick’s Day: the day the Venn diagram for people who touch my hair for luck and the number of times I throat punch someone is just a circle.
The ouija board message was “if you’re reading this, I’m already dead”.
If you add up everyone murdered in BBC crime dramas, there are actually only 40 people still living in the UK
That plant looks good. Let’s eat the bit that stays in the dirt
– first person to cook a potato
“Long story short” makes your story three words longer.
Are you from iraq? …..cause i wanna see you baghdad ass up
It took me 20 minutes and a terribly bruised wrist to realize that this slap bracelet is actually a ruler.
A parade of slow walkers meander behind my car as I’m trying to pull out of the parking space.
therapy: $500
tattoo: $500 but cooler
Surgeon: I’m unable to perform this surgery. I’ve only got 10,000 spoons, when all I need is a knife.
My girlfriend steals all the blankets in her sleep and I wake up cold, next to an adorable linen burrito.
[45 minutes into Charlie and the Chocolate Factory]
7 year old: how does he still have a job?
I may seem confident on the outside but deep down on the inside I remember every time I’ve accidentally leaned on a light switch.
every time the weather starts to warm up those fraps start lookin goooood
If you have slept with someone who sounds like Darth Vader breathing, you understand why it’s so great to sleep alone.
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: what sayst thou to me now? speak once again
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: wtf does ides mean
SOOTHSAYER: 15th
CAESAR: say 15th then
Me: ‘I love you so much, I’ll see you later beautiful’
Girlfriend: ‘I love you too’
Me: *Looks up from patting dog*
‘Yeah see you later’
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
The number of kids you have determines how much time you need to get everyone ready to leave the house. One kid, 30 mins, 2 kids, about an hour. 3 kids, the Tuesday before
Canada has Nova Scotia but won’t tell us what happened to Scotia. What are they hiding?
Boss (about to fire me): I don’t know how to tell you this
Me: *suddenly behind boss, whispering in his ear* Try using your mouth, genius
If you need anything you can call me any time of the day or night. I won’t answer and my ringer will be off, so it won’t bother me at all.
Parenting is basically just punctuating every conversation with various commands:
“Yes, I like your picture. Put on your shoes.”
“My favorite color is yellow. Finish your breakfast.”
“No, fish don’t snore. Go brush your teeth.”
“Hey man, do you know how long that’s been sitting out?” – People who clearly don’t understand my commitment to eating
[samurai kindergarten]
Sensei: CHILDREN! We do not hit each other. What do we do?
Kids: *in unison* We use our swords.
I have never seen a construction crane being put in place. They just show up.
No one ever hated their job on a Friday!
Friend: when you first meet, tell her she looks prettier in person
Me: ok
[Later]
Her: Hi!
Me: Hi you look uglier online
*brings whipped cream to bed*
Husband: Ohh, are we trying something new?
Me: Will you hold this pumpkin pie while I get comfortable?