Pal – “Can you help me put this IKEA desk together?”
Me – “I’ll need a screwdriver.”
Pal – “Sure what type?”
Me – “Greygoose or Kettle One.”
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Yoda: Clouded, your future is.
Anakin: Are you smoking pot again?
Yoda: Six cheeseburgers, I want.
A guy sat 6 feet across from me and tried to hit on me. I said, “what? I can’t hear you.” he goes, “Awww man!! Coronavirus be killing my game!!!” and left defeated.
I don’t have an alarm clock, I have cats
That show “Catfish” should just be called “People Who Have Never Heard of Google.”
A backlit photo is a fun way to find out that you need to start plucking your chin
Seriously, ladies. If you just stop sleeping with douchebags eventually their species will go extinct. Look at the big picture here.
me: what’s your sign
chef: spisces
“Rock. Paper. Scissors.” – terrible surgeon
Gonna flirt with an electrician by calling them electrocute
My husband would need to live to be 200 to finish all the things he said he “was GOING to do”
The first guy to ever throw water at girl in a white shirt probably broke the record for the number of high-fives received in one minute.
Me: How long have we had that pillow?
Wife: No idea
Memory foam pillow: Two years, five months and two days
Apparently you can’t make a baby by adding water to baby powder, so don’t waste your time.
Me sliding into hell like
I’m not saying I’m a mythical creature, I’m just saying that I am single on Twitter & also in real life.
Yoda, seeing himself in 4K:
HDMI
Anytime my husband upsets me, I just add more shampoo bottles to our shower. Currently, there’s 47.
Great. Ban gay marriage. Remember what happened during Prohibition? Now we’re going to have everyone making bathtub gay marriages.
“Rolls Royce” is my favorite car that sounds like an Australian describing a sushi chef
Halloween is the perfect time to trick people into believing you aren’t really going to use that ice pick you’re carrying around.
carpooler: what’d you think “beat the traffic” meant?
ryu from streetfighter: I don’t wanna talk about it
Friend: I’m so tired of remakes and reboots and sequels! Make something original!
Me: Don’t you write Transformers fan fiction?
Friend: It’s GoBots fan fiction, and shut up.
No one:
Me: oh thank you I got it on sale.
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
9yo: “Hey mom? Do we have any duct tape? And before you say anything, I PROMISE we’re not going to put it ON anyone. I mean like…not exactly anyway.”
What month is it? Why is summer so long?
This tree does a lot of weird exercises
me: *eating spaghetti sandwich*
carb god: *rubbing biscuit hands together* goood goood
The quickest way to get your kid to do their homework is to ask them to help with some chores
When I snag the last meatball.