*points at houseplant*
no, YOU have a drinking problem!!
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mail is cool because 99% of the time it’s like a J.c. penney catalogue for a previous tenant and 1% of the time it’s something you’ll go to jail for if you don’t look at
Most things in life aren’t free. HOWEVER if you run fast enough, they are.
BUY SUMMER CLOTHES. CRASH YOUR PLANE IN THE ANDES. EAT SUMMER CLOTHES.
Wife: He’s your son!
Me: So you say! But I don’t…
*Kid dances across the room to the Benny Hill theme song*
Me: …ok fine he’s my son.
JOB INTERVIEWER: Do you know short-hand?
ME: Do I know what, fat-face?
Any t-shirt can be an ironic t-shirt if you hate things enough
Me: can you help with the dishes?
5 [licks dirty silverware] yeah.
me at 20: i’ll do anything.
me at 46: this drive thru has too tight of a turn radius.
In hell, it’s always the last minute of a staff meeting and someone raises his hand for “one more quick question.”
[Beautiful woman doing bench press at the gym]
HER: four… five… *struggling* a little help please
ME: six
do people who back up into parking spots also back up into elevators
4: MOM I NEED ANOTHER RED WINE!
Me, to the judging parents at the beach: RED VINE! She wants another licorice!!
Like I’d ever share my wine with her.
In Starbucks a woman went sh*t house rat crazy when she got a double shot of espresso instead of the triple shot she ordered. I’m fine now.
I have the patience of a nearly ripe avocado
Twitter, 2016 (HT @iShami_ )
“And to my heirs, I will leave all this….”
*gestures toward 146 half-full nail polishes, all roughly the same color
them: I like that filter on you
me: [doesn’t have snap but enjoys mounting butterflies directly to my head] th… thanks
I call realtors advertising on bus stop benches and ask them the bus schedule.
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo says she wants to hug me I just wish it wasn’t almost exclusively said when she’s pooping.
Popular Mathematics makes math easier to understand! #FallonTonight
Was glad my kids didn’t scream for me to come deal with the bug but also concerned when they named him Jerry before they killed it.
a bug flew in my mouth today and that’s probably the healthiest thing I’ve eaten all week
Me: [Sits down to eat breakfast]
Girlfriend: Babe, you forgot the French Toast
Me: Oh sorry [raises glass] VIVE LA FRANCE!
Was today a good day? No.
BUT
Did I manage to make it through the whole day without running over my own purse with my car?
Also no.
toddler parkour is trying to find the slowest and most elaborate route to get anywhere
I said I was a man with a plan. I said nothing about it being a good plan.
I’m buying a telescope so I can sell it at a garage sale in six years
spicy snake
Nutritionalist: you should eat 2,000 calories a day
Me: ok, how many at night?
Whenever I go to Subway, when they ask if I would like my sandwich toasted, I say yes & then I raise my cup of Coke & say, “To my sandwich!”