You know you where drunk last night when you realise you cooked your pizza for 200 minutes at 18 degrees
You Might Also Like
Doctor’s office: All our records are electronic now just fill out these 12 forms.
What do you mean 100 іsn’t a perfect credіt score
Me: Hi, I’d like to make an appointment for a bath.
Petsmart employee: Sure, what’s your dog’s name?
Me: Dog?
Seagulls are when the sea clenches its pelvic floor
He has notifications on for me pray for his phone
Whenever I feel sorry for myself, I take my children to the grocery store. And then there’s like 40 people feeling sorry for me.
What idiot decided to call it gonorrhea instead of hot sausage?
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me, flexing: what do you think?
Wife: just get a small carton
Whatever I was born in like 10 mangers
Dental hygienist: Whew! You’re all done with your cleaning. That took a bit longer than I expected.
Me: *maintains eye contact while biting into Oreo* Thanks.
[house being raided]
[swat guy crashes through window, lands on slip n slide I placed there for this exact reason and slides out front door]
No, you’re not fat, you’re just easy to see.
Breaking news:
“how to not gain weight when you schedule 10 dates in 1 week”
*holds finger up and chews for like 8 minutes after aunt asks me how I’ve been*
There are three types of people:
1. Annoying people
2. Annoying people I am sleeping with
3. People I haven’t met
It takes a big man to admit his mistakes. It takes a bigger man to fix them. It takes an enormous man to close down a Chinese buffet. High-5
I want to know where my horoscope got the outlandish confidence to say “Don’t worry about any dreams you have today, dreams don’t mean anything”
I never thought I’d fight with my wife over who gets to run basic errands alone but then we had two kids.
I get my vegetables the same way every other adult does…an iced carrot cake muffin.
I hate when I’m in line for the bathroom and someone asks if I’m in line, like I look like a dude who just waits outside of bathrooms.
Cop: was it you who stole all the anti-perspirant
Me: *not sweating*
Cop: well shit I don’t know how to read this
The average tiktok video is 24 seconds and let’s just say I can relate
*Cleans house*
*looks at family*
“I’m going to have to ask you to leave”
5 year old: Does ‘Cupid’ mean ‘cute’ and ‘stupid’?
Me: It does now.
Cortana, where is the closest Taco Bell?
There’s a Weight Watchers meeting 1 mile away from you.
*Note to self: Never call Siri Cortana*
Her: why are you covered in egg
Me: I got into a fight
Her: did you win?
Me: yes It was over, easy
Sometimes I think I have indigestion and gas but then I remember that Jesus lives inside us all.
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
Buddha: all life is suffering
Me: alright dude, chill out. they said your food would be out in ten minutes