Beyonce was Destiny’s Child. The other two were adopted.
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Clitorusaurus: A dinosaur never discovered by man
*slips the IHOb waitress a twenty* Bring me pancakes and make it look like an accident.
Indicating that you’re an organ donor on your drivers license is cool and all but I would also like to indicate that I consent to being on a true crime show in the event of my gruesome murder
I’m going to invent an app that tells you where the nearest bar is with no guy on a stool playing acoustic guitar.
boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go
me: you’re cancelling me?
boss: I mean, we’re firing you??
me: wow… so this is what cancel culture feels like on the other side
boss: you stabbed Gary in the parking lot after his shift
[sprays air freshener so my date can’t tell i just took a shit]
uber driver: what was that
Me: “I feel like this bottom tooth has shifted, they’re not as straight as they should be.”
Orthodontist: “Are you wearing your Invisalign trays every night?”
Me: …
…
… “What’s your point?”
Look lady, you’ll find out why I brought a bib to our date as soon as the food gets here.
JUDGE: your sentence will last for 5 years
ME: I can’t speak that slowly
As a kid in the 70’s when I told my dad I wanted to go to the movies to see Grease, he told me to go look in the lard can on the stove.
My coworker was making a run to the convenience store and asked if anyone wanted anything and I said a Yoo-hoo and now everyone is making fun of me
can someone please show me the sexy way to get in and out of a booth at a restaurant
[Office]
Secretary: Mr. Grey will see you now.
Anastasia Steele: I have a ridiculous name.
Yeah I go to the gym.
Today I will be working on my uh…cordyceps.
I’m a low maintenance girlfriend. Just bring me a bouquet of cats.
Couples therapist: So what brought you here today?
Me: An uber haha
Wife: omg this is what I’m talking about!
Couples Therapist: Yes
Wife: He’s hilarious but useless in bed
I don’t suppose you’ve seen those two boiled eggs I left sitting on the kitchen sideboard by any chance?
*First day as a missing person*
Wife: Hello police? Yeah call it off he was just in the shower.
boss: you’ve been late 3 times this week, u know what that means
me: it must be Wednesday
Starting a ride sharing service where you have the option to hook up with your driver called Ecarmony. Send.
Okay, wait a second. I pee, I do my belt, THEN I wash my hands. I don’t know about you but I’ve never, ever washed my belt.
[contacting you by Ouija board after murdering you]
AND ANOTHER THING
professor x: what’s your super power
owl: terrible memory
professor x: that’s not usef- you can talk!?
owl: who
I just asked my friend to come over and “play husband”. He’s gonna be pissed when he finds out we are putting together shelves from ikea.
Millions stunned and blindsided to learn Tim Allen had been on a network sitcom for like the last six years or something
Current life status – By the time I figure out what nostril is plugged, it jumps to the other side.
5: daddy can I tell you a secret?
Me: sure thing buddy
5: *grabs my face and whispers* I just pooped and I didn’t wash my hands
Who called it a Cold Sore and not a Public Display of Infection
He said there was no spark between us, so I tazed him. I’ll ask again when he wakes up.
Staying with my parents, pt. 17:
Me: Mom, one of your wigs is set up in your bathtub in such a way that it looks like a person is sitting in there. It’s terrifying.
Mom: …
Me. …you did that on purpose, didn’t you?
Mom: It scares your dad. He’s funny when he’s scared.