god: ..and this part is your crust
earth: i’m a pizza 🙂
god: no that’s-
earth: everybody loves pizza 😀
god: but
earth: i’ll be treated so good forever and ever :’)
god: [deep breath in] here’s the thing
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has anyone told parents they can show affection without posting the ugliest picture of you in existence
Astrology isn’t real. Oh wait- I share a birthday with Lizzie Borden? Okay, that checks out.
KIDNAPPER: all of my demands are on the table
POLICE CAT: for now
Son: Dad, what does ‘gay’ means?
Father: It means ‘to be happy’.
Son: Are you gay?
Father: No, son. I have a wife.
I think I may have accidentally sprayed my fairy godmother with Raid…
My level of hotness..
I learned to dance from watching the bears in the Charmin commercials.
Vanilla Ice: if there was a problem, yo I’ll solve it…
[Guy from back of concert]: why did my dad leave?
Non violent offenders should be given community service & bangs
If pulled pork is pulled apart, can we call sausages “pushed pork?”
As founder and CEO of YOLO Guaranteed, my first product launch will be fishnet parachutes.
I used to hate Mondays before I became a parent
Me: Oh hey I should watch this movie
Netflix: Actually you watched 27 minutes of it 3 years ago so you’ll probably want to pick up where you left off
big news! i finally finished paying off the latte i bought in November with financing
financial freedom is alive and well
With trump being a potential candidate I feel like the Simpsons are sitting on their couch watching an episode of us
I drunk an energy drink thinking it will help me stay up to write an exam. But instead my brain has just read wikipedia pages for 3 different type of fish and searched throught 20 etsy pages. So this was a bad idea
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog.
“Oh, Monster TRUCK rally. Haha of course…”
*Frankenstein slowly backs out of the room, hiding a 24 pack of condoms behind his back*
it was love at first sight
TV lead me to believe grave digging would be a lot easier
Me: I have NO drafts!
Wife: *opens window*
Me: …
Wife: *opens door*
Me: …
Wife: That better?
Me: I should have married your sister.
Anytime someone throws a Great Gatsby themed party, I have to assume they never finished the book.
If sex was my religion, I’d be an athiest.
When I said “anything for you”, I meant I’ll make you a nice cup of tea, not that I’ll help you to fake your own death as part of a massive life insurance fraud.
If your wife says “what would you do without me?”
“Live happily ever after” is NOT the correct answer.Brrrr it’s cold in this doghouse 🙁
[date shouting over music on the dance floor]:
WHY ARE YOU HOLDING TWO CORN DOGS?
Me: BECAUSE I NEVER KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH MY HANDS!
“Don’t put all your eggs in one basket” is just a line fed to us by Big Basket.
[at the bar]
Me: Let’s settle this like men
Him: *pulls out knife*
Me: *rips off clothes to reveal racquetball outfit*
The fun thing about Airbnb’s is that you get to clean someone else’s house on your vacation
I’m a lot like a wild Pokémon in the bedroom. I only know four moves and I come out of nowhere.