So now they say Vaccinated People can Gather in Groups of 8 with No Issues but I don’t Know 8 People with No Issues.
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Oh really?! Because I see nothing in the gym membership rules that says I CAN’T just lie on the floor and watch tv all day!!
The toilet paper thief accidentally dropped the merchandise as he jumped over a fence.
He got away Scott free.
I have never seen a single “when animals attack” video that I wasn’t rooting for the animal.
Me: *plucking hedge as my lord passes by*
Lord: oh manservant
Me: yes, my lord?
Lord: You trim this hedge with such care that when you’ve reached the end, the rest will again be quite overgrown. Thus, your toil ever continues?
Me: yes, my lord
Lord: *chuckling* delightful 🙂
Called my boss this morning and asked if I can come a little later in to work.
He replied with: “Dream on!”
That’s very nice of him, right?
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
Hey, my eyes are up here.
Nope. Higher.
– snails, probably
Coronavirus and Animal Crossing is like that one summer with Pokémon GO but like…..opposite.
People often act like they don’t hear something that is too awful to contemplate which explains the silence I get when I tell someone I like them.
I’ll admit, ever since I saw Psycho as a kid I’ve felt a tiny bit nervous each time I kill someone in the shower.
“You drive me to drink!”
-I shout at my taxi driver.
Boss: If you fall asleep again today, I’ll fire you
Me: ok
Boss: Now go and do the sheep inventory
Me: oh no
I want to believe in hope as much as someone who thinks that somebody might buy their old used shoes on Craigslist for $20.
The concept of a sister wife doesn’t bother me so much as the fact there’d be one more person in my damn way this morning.
You people who pull back the shower curtain checking for psycopathic murderers … if you find one, what’s your plan?
intermittent fasting? i just slept 7 hours without a snack what more do you want from me?
my 80yr/o grandma is on facebook & she is a living click-bait article, she didn’t even tell me what to do with it
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
People keep mistaking my “wow”s for compliments.
Husband: It’s nice but we’re looking for something bigger
Me, a realtor: Absolutely
Wife: And not a bounce house
Me: *bouncing more softly* How do you mean
Me: In my day we all had to watch the same thing, at the same time, on the same screen
My kids: NOOOOO!!!
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
Owen Wilson has made around $217,838,000 from his movies. He averages around 3500 words per movie in 47 movies. That’s about $1,324 per word. “Wow” was 102 of those words. Owen Wilson has made roughly $135,072 from saying wow goodnight twitter
me: am I awake or dreaming
a giant dragonfly, setting down his tea cup: honestly idk what this is
wordle is optional. y’all complain so much, just wanted to remind you
Holy shit, there are some disgusting perverts on here… but enough about me.
You could go camping or you could stay at home, not shower, leave dirt on the floor and let some squirrels in.
Everyone wants to know WHO’S the killer but no one wants to know HOW’S the killer
who called it an advertising campaign and not an adventure
Me: who is your favourite spice girl?
Guy On The Subway: paprika and I’m a man