“What have you always wanted to try in bed?”
Getting a good nights sleep
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Wife still out of town. I’m afraid if I order Dominos again they will call child services.
Been dating this guy for 4 months and today he asked me why I don’t have a boyfriend. ☹️☹️
Your sister wives’ moms are technically mother-in-against-the-laws
You know how when everyone is clapping along to the song and you join in and it’s fun at first but after a while you’re like oh shit do I have to keep this up for the whole song? That’s what life is like.
Me: I am so tired and sad all the time.
Brain: Have you tried eating a lot of pasta, like A LOT?
[22 minutes later]
Me: That didn’t help at all and now I feel sick
Brain: Hm weird. Try again in like half an hour.
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
Him: Should you be eating that much chocolate?
Me: Should you be using that much oxygen?
My 1yo has been crawling around with a croissant in her hand all morning. Not eating it, just clutching it. I think it’s her Emotional Support Croissant.
me: have you seen my shoes?
dad: I saw them on your feet once
me: I’m serious can you be more specific
dad: hi serious, I’m more specific
stop abbreviating phrases where every word has one syllable (OMG, ILY). start abbreviating long sentences. that’s how u save time. ILYFYB (i’m leaving you for your brother) or SWAYTAIUMELFY (stacy what are you talking about i uprooted my entire life for you). much easier
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
I am delighted to announce that endless online arguing is saving humanity
Nothing scarier than a server who takes multiple orders without writing anything down.
Adulthood is being angry at your spouse for not knowing what to get for dinner when you don’t know what you want, either.
My lotion bottle says to use it on areas of irritation, so I slathered it all over my coworker, Deborah.
When an object reveals that it has some biological similarities to you don’t get so hung up on that phrasing. To me as in we are alike? To me as in I am its recipient in an exchange? One of your aloof scientist deadpan friends has started to freak out about the garage sale.
While eating as a guest at other people’s homes, I’m thinking their dogs are genetically obligated
to-convince you they’ve never, ever been fed.
[rap battle]
Opponent: *crushes it*
Me: Oh, I… umm. I thought this was something else… *hastily hides plastic wrap behind back*
The first sin in the Bible was eating an apple. The second was murder. That escalated quickly.
Me, age 18: I’ll be a homeowner by the time I’m in my 30s
Me, in my 30s: I own a single pair of matching socks
Kmart is closing 108 stores putting 16 cashiers out of work.
waiter: want to hear our lunch specials?
me: sure
waiter: we have a caesar salad, clam chowder, or club sandwich
me: those things are on the normal menu
waiter: yes but right now you can get them $18
me: they’re usually $12
waiter: today they’re special
Our family’s sole contribution to evolution is a diminished sense of smell.
Sick of people telling me to “calm down” and “release the hostages.”
Grandma: can you call out the bingo numbers?
Me: idk i’ve never done it B4
Gma: holy shit you’re a natural
A British person will be slightly insulted by someone, not say anything, nurture a lingering resentment, patiently bide their time, and eventually, in an unrelated conversation with the person years later, will remark, “that’s typical of you.” Usually across a dining table.
wife *buying dinosaur balloons*
clerk: Is it someone’s birthday? *smiles at toddler*
wife: It is
clerk: How old?
wife: 35
You know how I know society sets us up to fail?
Roombas only work if your house is already clean.
I thought I liked the style of the clothes on Temu, but then when I got them I realized I just liked the perfectly tan skin and soft beach waves of the models, and those were missing from my order
*Breaks glass to steal Mona Lisa*
You crazy? Security will hear us
Security: HEY, WHAT’S GOING ON UP THERE?
NOTHING
Security: ALRIGHT