Before you ask for my help, you should know I don’t even measure when I cook.
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I just heard a lady in the grocery store parking lot tell her dog in the truck she loves him & he’s beautiful & she’s going to miss him, but she’ll brb & kissed head.
& I just feel like we need more of her in this world.
I also wanna be her dog when I grow up.
“Your guy is late.”
“It’s only been five minutes, chill.”
“Something doesn’t feel right.”
“Everything’s fine, Dave.”
“You sure this is the spot?”
“Yes.”
“And you know this guy is cool?”
“Yes, just relax.”
“Don’t give him the money until-”
“Until I see the kibble, yes I know.”
Imagine being reincarnated as grass?
Smothered by snow. That melts and then you get trampled by kids at play, shit on by dogs, scorched by sun, flooded by rain, then once a week have your head chopped off.
Let’s be honest, you don’t ”watch” tv, you use it as a backround echo creating machine like the rest of us
Coughed up a pawn. Then a bishop.
Damn chess infection 😕
I swear if I see one more person enter this WalMart wearing pajamas I am going to take the belt off my bathrobe and choke them with it
She’s a 10…but sometimes an 8 and maybe a 12 once in awhile because clothing sizes are so inconsistent.
I’ve seen:
•UFOs
•Ghosts
•A Two Headed Turtle
•Kimodo DragonsBut nothing is as unbelievable to me as seeing Trump run for president.
a man on a dating app just asked how he could find out more about me. he’s going to lose his mind when he finds out about questions
I always make sure the garage door is shut. Wouldn’t want hoodlums stealing the stuff I’ve been meaning to get rid of for years; hell, decades
Parenting is 10% knowing you would kill for your children and 90% suppressing the urge to kill them.
[10:06pm]
13: Why is the ceiling in my room white? I feel like I’m staring into blankness when I’m in bed.
Me: Lay on your side and face the painted wall.
13: It sounds like you don’t care about my relaxing process and just want me to go to sleep.
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one today.
Anyway. Monkey for sale.
Whenever my husband annoys me,
I force him to go to the store for
Maxi pads, extra thin with extra wings
MUST HAVE EXTRA WINGS
Don’t come home without it
This strip mall certainly is misleading
And I probably should put my clothes back on now.
BARTENDER: the usual?
ME: *nods*
*bartender hands me a shot glass full of chocolate chips*
By 5, the human child can walk and feed itself, but doesn’t yet stray from home, as it relies on parents for tablet charging and maintenance
Today (Sept. 17) is international Batman day!
#BatmanDay #webcomic #Weird
My car alarm is the driver’s door falling off onto the foot of an unsuspecting thief.
how is everyone so excited about a scary month after *checks notes* like 250 of them in a row
While you guys were wasting your time talking about politics I got banned from the Yahoo Answers ‘Horse’ section
The best thing about alcohol hand gel in hospitals isn’t the hygiene, but that everyone walks around like they’re hatching a dastardly plan.
Back to the Future IV: Marty Mcfly stops being obsessed with his own family and goes back in time to kill Hitler.
A friend sent me this.
Every surgery is exploratory if you have no idea what you’re doing
[inventor of flame thrower] i’m probably not a psychopath for making this, right?
Some guy with hair said I was bad at descriptions the other day.
Unpopular opinion: Not all Canadians are sorry
COP: Can you describe the bear that attacked you?
ME: Less huggable than you’d think
Sorry boys, but you will never get into these pants. I barely get into these pants. These are very tight pants.