My brother called to tell me specifically that his Zoom party really took off after he told everyone the story of the one time I took a chance & overcame my shyness & went to buy a guy at a club a drink at but it turned out the guy was a mannequin & part of the décor.
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On a poster in my math class “4 out of 3 people have trouble with fractions” The sad thing is my first thought was “Oh good, I’m not alone!”
Her: You look great without glasses
Me: I don’t wear glasses
Her: *putting them back on* I do
Not one person has been eaten by sharks yet this week. Probably the worst Shark Week ever.
Friend: Sorry, I lost my voice at a baseball game last night.
me: Yikes! Remind me to never go to any baseball games.
Sex is like lasagna – there’s absolutely no reason for it to involve spinach in any form.
Gandhi fasted for weeks and remained peaceful. I go three hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
mother-in-law (on FB): I’m tired of everyone being so condesending
*wife tackles me before I can write “you spelled ‘condescending’ wrong”*
Now this is how you LinkedIn
99% of people who quote Ayn Rand have either never read her or have never read her
#RubbishJokes
Two horses in a field.One says: I’m so hungry I could eat a horse.
The other says: Moo!
Summer break is cool because I won’t be alone for the next 2000 hours of my life but at least I won’t have to pack anyone a lunch.
This may be not be a mainstream opinion, but I don’t believe you should cut down a Christmas tree unless you intend on eating it.
Martial arts movie, starring me
Master: You wish to learn to fight?
Me: Yes
Master: The training is very difficult
Me: Oh then no
The End
Before going to the dentist I like to eat taffy & pumpkin seeds. It’s makes me feel like I’m getting my money’s worth.
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
I just want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like “If the puma seems restless, let him splash in the Jacuzzi a bit.”
When the hotdog gets placed in the bun, does it think it’s going canoeing
Me: Wanna have sex?
Wife: With you or in general?
[Wine tasting]
Me: Yep. Wine.
[wedding reception]
BEST MAN: *making a toast* please raise your glasses
CLARK KENT: oh no
The easiest way to tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile is to say goodbye and see how it responds.
employer: if you’re sick don’t come to work so you don’t spread the germs!
employee: i’m sick
employer: how sick?
I have achieved immortality.
I found a mysterious lamp and sure enough there was a genie inside.I wished that I won’t die a virgin.
My neighbor Ron is mad at me just because my book ‘The Many Lawn Care Mistakes of My Neighbor Ron’ is a hit with both critics and readers.
Dear people up north: Your weather is down here drunk in my front yard. Please come get it.
me folding laundry: ugh another sock is missing
puppet on my hand: how does that keep happening
I’ve dated a depressed lawyer and a manic musician, but now I’m dating an emotionally stable psychic. He’s wonderful. A happy medium.
*sprinkles gummy bears on a caesar salad*
If your bio says 18+ brat I just assume you are an adult sausage
February
20°
NW OhioIn a 2 acre parking lot, a bird manages to find my windshield.