My GF is such a bad cook. The flies got together to fix the Screen Door.
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Me: [driving into a parking garage]
Wife: why are you ducking your head?
Me: the ceiling is super low, I don’t want the car to scrape it.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: that’s fair.
If your gym clothes don’t have sweat stains, I have just one question for you…..
…what detergent are you using?
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
I’m as hard to open up as a grocery store produce bag.
To the jogger clinging to the hood of my car:
That’s why you run WITH the flow of traffic
My inexpensive home security system…
[accepting a compliment]
you are wrong
According to WebMD, given my symptoms, I died 9 years ago.
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight, spreading goat cheese on a bagel
When asked if I was good with my hands I said “sure, I guess, but sometimes i’m naughty with them too”
If you lick me, I taste like vodka.
Okay, I taste like a potato, but still…
Them: The tequila made me do it.
Me: The tequila helped me do it.We are not the same.
I can’t commit to plans with friends who wear fitbits.
-“No, I don’t want to take the stairs again, you psycho.”
DATE: {seductively} What’s your type?
ME: {seductively} One sec.
[2 minutes later]
ME: Ok yeah, love you, no I’m on a date, mom she’s the one trust me, thanks again, ok bye. {turns to date} She said B positive.
You gotta love a man with a dog’s name and a dog with a man’s name.
“Hi, I’m Cody and this is my dog Steve.”
Teacher in online class: Note this down fast.
Everyone:
These hair growth vitamins are sure making my mustache fill in nicely.
FINE!!
So I misread the ad
Apparently, The Cartel doesn’t NEED a drug snuggler
How many husbands have I had? You mean apart from my own?
I just had my first pole dancing class. Anyone know how to show this new skill without coming across as a complete whore? No?
Whore it is.
Safety first
9-year-old: It’s raining pretty hard.
Me: You can use your cool new umbrella.
9: I don’t want to get it wet.
You know you spend too much time with your kids when there’s Sesame Street music in your head while mentally undressing women.
When you pick your nose after dusting the house
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
Heard the local weatherman say, “high in the thirties” & now I know the title to my autobiography.
If I don’t clean my house soon, someone is going to bring in blindfolded ppl for a Frebreeze commercial.
Kylo Ren: We must find Luke Skywalker
General Hux: Why? He won’t fight & you don’t need training.
Kylo: He might have cool Vader souvenirs
My daughters took turns tracing each other over and over with chalk.
Now it looks like 25 children were murdered in my driveway.