*checks my phone to see what time it is*
[1 minute later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is cause I wasn’t paying attention*[2 minutes later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is…*
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I’m sorry but I love this one 🤣🤣🤣
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
Meet me in the bedroom.. bring the gravy boat.
Don’t make this weird…
Being held captive can’t be all bad. At least you’re being held.
Hey everybody, I just finished the 30 day yoga challenge and it was easier than I expected. In fact, I bet I could go another 30 days without doing yoga.
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
“At least Donald Trump says what he thinks.”
Ah yes if only all racists would shout about it constantly the world would be a better place.
[on Mars]
Curiosity Rover: *finds ancient cat remains* ohhh man I just know I’m gonna get blamed for this
Presents open. Now to watch my children watch other children play with the toys I bought them on YouTube.
Dracula is never rebooted, merely revamped
Alien: we are here to enslave you
Me: *not looking up from phone* huh?
Alien: I SAID..
Me: *still not looking up* yeah I said I’ll do it
Hey m&m’s, I’ll be the judge if this bag is shareable or not.
While you’re thinking what to wear, I’m thinking how to take it off.
Save your money- instead of a swear jar, just wash your mouth out with cilantro
Does anyone else still miss that part of the pandemic where it was illegal for anyone to come near you?
Asking for a friend. x
If you apologize and someone says “you’re fine” they want to kill you
Failed long-term relationships are never a total waste. They teach you valuable life skills, like how to carve profanity into car paint.
DR DOG: *gives kid patient a sucker*
MOM: what do u say
KID: thanks mr dog
DD: kid I didnt go to med school for 56 years to be called Mr Dog
Me: Turn right on Johnson Street.
Her: I don’t know the street names, just give me landmarks.
Me: Ok turn right at the sign that says Johnson Street.
Life starts with everyone cheering when you poop and goes drastically down hill from there.
If my grandfather were alive today he’d be trapped in a box underground. Horrible to think about really.
I lie in the bath for hours.
But I try to tell the truth the rest of the time.
I had two students lose teeth yesterday and this morning they excitedly told me how much money the tooth fairy left. One got $10, the other $20. I may start pulling my own teeth out soon.
I was wearing a jean jacket yesterday and a little kid asked me why I made a jacket out of pants and I had no good answer for him
What’s that little “-” in front of the temperature mean?
Watch The Walking Dead with someone who’s super into it so every time a zombie appears you can pull the old, “Wait, who’s this now?”
Welcome to IKEA. I see you need a new Fyrkantig for your Dagstorp.
Me:How do you pronounce that?
*sound of corduroy pants rubbing together
The ways printers are like kids:
1. Need feeding
2. Are noisy
3. Can’t function when offline