You should just be thankful for all the things I don’t say.
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“Oh, are you driving?” -Good question to ask someone as they force you into their trunk
Not all white people die in hot air balloon accidents, but only white people die in hot air balloon accidents.
All I’m saying is having a great sense of smell is not as wonderful as you would think it would be.
My teen left her phone at home when she went to school so unfortunately she can’t text me if she needs anything. Fortunately she also can’t text me if she needs anything.
Good news: Your wit is really mind-blowing
Bad news: It’s not my mind that I want blown
Judge: did you go the wrong direction on the freeway
Me: what no
Judge: then who did
Me: bro literally everyone else
*Shrek pre-production meeting*
Producer: Do we have a name for the dragon yet
Guy who named the donkey “Donkey”: I was thinking Dragon sir
A lot of people cry when they chop onions. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.
of course you were in it i told you it was a nightmare
“Ready for the peep show, sailor?”
The main difference between kids and dogs is that kids grow out of following you to the bathroom
International Dairy Council: Nobody saw this coming. We don’t know if our markets can recover from this but the only thing we can do now is pray.
[meanwhile, at Olive Garden]
Server: Sir, please
Me: I didn’t say when yet
You can almost hear the laughter in the transporter room
[Assembling scratching post to save the new sofa]
My cat: lol no
time to go viral by writing an obvious thing in all caps a bunch of times.
repeat after me.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
[wakes up to crying in the night]
Wife: can you go check the baby
Me, climbing back into bed 2 mins later: yeah that was the baby
me: *getting to class really late and hungover* ugh please don’t call on me
student: professor?
me: shit
Me: I took two naps today and was just falling asleep again.
Him: I can think of something to wake you up. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me: Is it food?
Strangers get so paranoid when they catch you stirring a mysterious powder into their drink.
I’m a show off but not drive around with Christmas lights on my car show off
And that’s when I realized it was a cop car
Whenever I select next-day delivery for an online purchase, I imagine someone, somewhere, yells CRAP really loud then people scurry like mad
“people online aren’t your real friends” tom hanks was best friends with a volleyball.
Saying “sounds good” is probably the nicest way to abruptly end a conversation.
My wife’s favorite position is where I’m bent over the kitchen sink doing the dishes.
I just realized I’m back working retail during the holiday season which means I will inevitably make many people angry when I tell them “Happy holidays!”
It’s only a family vacation if you think “We’re never doing this again” at least once.
my mom making me talk to relatives
*Belle falls in love with Beast*
Everyone: STOCKHOLM SYNDROME!! Called it!
*Belle speaks to furniture*
Everyone: this is fine
me trying to get a bartender’s attention
my therapist told me to have an image to focus on when i think there is no hope