my toddler should guest star on American Idol because his critiques of my singing would make Simon Cowell blush
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If you’re planning a family vacation to a destination that has beautiful ocean views and is kid friendly, make sure you don’t.
Bro: Dude, is this YOUR Shakira CD???
Me: What? No….it’s my wife’s…..
Hips: No…. It’s his…
Me: Shut up Hips!
Ask a man if he’s critiquing your work…
Men Who Are Dating say: No, & compliment you.
Single Men say: Yes
Married Men: Try to hide
The first rule of Oedipus Club: mum’s the word.
One time I ate a quarter and pooped out a gumball.
ANGEL: the humans need a model for how they should treat you…
GOD: [creates dog]
ANGEL: …and for how they actually do
GOD: [creates cat]
We had 7 chocolates and 3 kids, so I ate 4 cause I am a problem solver.
I had a really, really bad pizza stomachache once, so I don’t want to hear your whine stories about labor pain, ladies.
Uses power washer to clean food stained Tupperware.
If life gives you raisins, there’s not much you can do.
I wish I took the same care with anything in my life as my dog does with choosing where to poop.
Tried a new flavor from my favorite brand of energy drinks.
It was the 2nd grossest taste I’ve ever had in my mouth.
(No offense, Andrea.)
I wasn’t planning on moving, but I was just invited to the neighborhood fall potluck, so I guess now I have no choice.
approaching the 7-year anniversary of putting my stem cells in my dad’s bones and growing my bone marrow there thus killing his cancer and giving me years of “he’s a lesbian in his bones” jokes
My husband accidentally locked himself out of the house, and I didn’t hear him knocking until I finished eating the rest of his cheesecake. So weird.
Have the people who designed wine glasses ever washed dishes in their lives?
The best thing about a rabbit is it doesn’t matter how bad a lay you are, everyone compares good sex to you.
Perhaps the most promising opening in a textbook ever.
when isolation is over, we should all be allowed to commit one (1) crime since we’ve technically already served the time for it
Minnesota is my favorite state that sounds like it’s a small soft drink.
I like to leave odd yelp reviews for fast food restaurants that say things like, “Not overly racist.”
If you’re hitting the gas every time she tries to open the passenger side door, remember, the 8th time is always the funniest.
a Pride of Lions. A Murder of Crows. a Fame of Pete Davidson Exes
[packing for holiday]
WIFE: U don’t have to only put suits in a suitcase
ME: [putting underwear in briefcase] I don’t make the rules Karen
[introducing a girl to my parents]
“These are the roommates I was telling you about”
I’ve licked everything so everything is mine now
~ toddlers
7 years ago to this day, I swallowed my gum and broke a mirror, so as you might imagine, this is a pretty big day for me.
I’m like …if parking too far away from the curb was a person.
You’re not supposed to be your pet’s friend, your job is to make sure they get into a good pet college.
How do I form meaningful friendships as an adult without enrolling in grad school or joining a cult?