[cats] think i’ll go to another part of the house and scream at god
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*Looking through binoculars
Awww, it looks like she forgot her password. I should remind her what it is.
when you order from DoorDastardly
She went out this morning for milk and lovingly announced upon her return that she’d bought me two donuts, then when I wasn’t looking she unlovingly ate one.
I hate when I order too large a portion of ribs that it tips my car over and my modern stone age family has to get back home on foot.
‘Your place or mine?’
Is the sexiest response to the question:
‘Where shall we bury the body?’
Quitting the gym because it’s easier, quicker and cheaper to simply invite my friends over for dinner every day and make them fatter than me
I have to admit, I never thought our son would go that far.
Me neither. This trebuchet is marvellous. Let’s get the cat.
#CatDay #RubbishJokes
#MondayMorning
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you.
ME: Is it because in December I dress my pet pig in red and call it Hamta Claus?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
oh u love jesus “with all of ur heart”? name 3 of his albums
My girlfriend broke up with me. I am devastated. How could you. I did everything. I surprised you with burgers every night
Trainer: What kind of shape would you say your body is in?
Me: Butternut Squash
The “give me your tired, your poor” quote under the statue of liberty makes sense, because that’s the nyc lifestyle. “you’re already broke and exhausted? great. you’ll love it here.”
[pitching my invention of liquid chicken nuggets]
CEO: so you just drink them?
ME: *pulls a needle and syringe out of my briefcase* think bigger
It only took me 9 days to break all my New Year’s resolutions. 3 more days than last year. That’s progress!
My doctor told me, “If you don’t quit smoking, it doesn’t really matter how poorly you eat” and that was the best day of my life.
Inside you are two wolves. One is dressed as your grandmother. The other is huffing & puffing & attempting to blow your house down.
Woke up screaming this morning. My apologies to everyone in the meeting.
Tomorrow is my company’s office holiday potluck. I really hope they like the french fries I found between my car seat
Fun idea! Complimentary deodorant with each transit fare purchase.
“Is that on Netflix?” I ask, with no intention of ever watching it
DON’T INTERRUPT ME!!!
(me, in a drunken argument with your dog)
If I’m ever dangling off a cliff and your hands are full of mikes hard lemonades you better give me one so i can be refreshed on my way down
Everyone is just looking for that special someone who could do way better but chooses not to for some inexplicable reason.
Can we stop calling it ‘Breaking news’ and start calling it ‘bloody hell what now’
did it hurt? when the rat pulled on your hair to make you cook?
I’m constantly amazed that only 26 letters in the alphabet can produce so much bullshit.
I had beer at lunchtime and now I think I might be sitting in the wrong office
*Rolls window down*
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: is it because I’m literally running down the street pretending to be a car?
“Oh, I like your coat!”
“What? This old rag? It cost 2p! I’ve had it for ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s seen better days. I hate it. Been meaning to get a new one. Thank you, though!”
I’ve never watched paint dry but I did watch Windows update for 5 years.