You could murder someone in California and they wouldn’t even arrest you as long as you properly composted the body.
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My mate called me an idiot for always getting my idioms wrong but it takes one to know someone.
[me narrating a documentary about grasshoppers]
And here we see these little liars hopping on sand.
[chamber of commerce]
harry potter: i’m sorry i think i made a wrong turn
Diarrhea awareness week starts today. Runs through Sunday.
[reincarnated as a giant squid at the bottom of the ocean] i did something right
Just painted around a ceiling fan and on the next coat I’m gonna turn the damn thing off.
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
50% of parenting is saying “we’ve got food at home.”
All men reach an age when we greet each other with “There he is.”
December 1st:
Smoked a cigarDecember 8th:
Finally got the taste out of my mouth
If you see a “lost & found” box in the proctologist’s office keep walking.
ME [first and last day working at Supercuts]: *styles everyone’s hair like Dog the Bounty Hunter*
i don’t invite people over because they might sit in my dog’s chair
Lying to stupid people can give you a profound sense of satisfaction, it can also make you president.
Cops hauled me away for drawing faces on potatoes and makin’ em kiss.
“It’s just too sexy” one cop whispered to me on our way to the jail
It has been scientifically proven that any woman can be satisfied with only 3 1/2 inches — and it doesn’t matter if it is Visa or MasterCard
My husband and I were at a restaurant and the couple next to us kept feeding each other and let me tell you we would NEVER do that unless it was poison
If you’re the last person to leave the office, nobody will judge you when you eat the leftover birthday cake from the trash.
Me: [returning organic fertilizer] I don’t need this shit.
Guy asked if I put him in the friend zone. I was like, whoa slow down there. I’ll have sex with you, but friendship is a serious commitment.
People are shy. I’m sure that’s the reason why no one ever tells me, “please continue whistling.”
*Welds all night without incident..
*Burns self getting a pizza out of the oven..
i used to think i was final girl material, but i’m actually the one who’s killed while frantically searching for her glasses
Ladies, wonder if he’s busy or ignoring your texts? Offer to send nudes. If he instantly responds, he was totally ignoring you before.
the pandemic has hit the spaghetti labor market especially hard
I need a Magic 8 ball so i can find out if I’m drinking today or if I’m re-shaking it until i am
Jurassic Park taught me not to exploit dinosaur labor.
Remember last year, when Biden pardoned those Thanksgiving turkeys and the next day they robbed a liquor store?
I’m at my quickest when I try to follow someone out of the bathroom so I don’t have to touch the handle.
If you’re drunk when you die, are you drunk forever…?