literally anyone: “would you like some ice cream?”
me: [knowing ice cream makes me serverely ill] “ooo yes please”
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I asked two Uber drivers to pick each other up and am watching them chase each other in circles around my block until they run out of gas.
mm/dd/yyyy is a cursed date format
I’d like to thank the people who buy the gift bags. Because of you, I have never had to buy a gift bag. Thank you, from the bottom of my large gift bag filled with smaller gift bags.
her: [flirting] what are you thinking about?
me: [thinking “do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?”] Do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?
The best part about talking to a narcissist is how there isn’t any pressure to add to the conversation.
I thought “man cannot live on bread alone” was some sort of TikTok challenge.
And I think I’m winning.
The group of water bottles in my room when I bring in another one
If we make guns illegal, then nobody will get shot anymore. That’s how we stopped everybody from doing drugs
Hate weight limit signs in the elevator. Then I’m put in the awkward position of telling some pregnant woman she has to take the stairs.
Adonis folding laundry is still Adonis…but hotter because he’s folding laundry
[funeral]
He looks so natural.
Ya, but he looks a little stiff.
*raises from the dead*
“That’s what… *gargle* …she said.”
*dies again*
Me: *eating oatmeal in my underwear*
Her: that’s it. I’m leaving
Me: *drinking coffee in my shoe* wh… why?
him: i will see you in court!!!
me: so, you admit we’re seeing one another.
My wife asked me to help decorate the cookies for her sister’s baby shower, and then just as quickly asked me to please stop helping.
Your french fries are just my french fries on the wrong plate.
I couldn’t sleep because the neighbor’s dog was barking so I went next door and told her, she says I have cheesecake and I could no longer hear the dog barking.
Not me, making a fresh batch of no bake cookies because I don’t want the kids to know I ate all of the no bake cookies we made yesterday.
I don’t know why I always end up behind the old lady who is trying to do a reverse mortgage on her home at the ATM.
I just observed a sign that said “How do nudists clean their glasses?” so there’s that question to keep you up at night.
Neighbor: Do you want to see our new baby?
Me: I didn’t even want to see the old one
If you are going to microwave your steak in a cast iron skillet, make sure you season the skillet by running it through the dishwasher at least 3 times
Why does marriage have to be so hard?
My wife: Where did you get this number?
Me: Time for bed
7: But can we watch Back to the Future?
Me: No
7: Empire Strikes Back?
Me: No
7: Karate Kid?
Me: I see what you’re doing and I respect it but the answer’s still no
If peeing was an Olympic event, I would win gold. But then I would miss the awards ceremony because I was taking a leak.
*Tosses a strand of lights over the pile on the laundry chair*
The tree is up.
I left my phone at home and had no idea what to do with my hands while I drove
First rule of brown girl club: Don’t wear pink & white striped shirts; you’ll look like Neopolitan ice cream.
me after killing a werewolf: more like werewolf {but this time i pronounce it were, like the second person singular past, plural past, and past subjunctive of be}
*For those who believe everything they see on social media, kindly watch this.*(👆)
You got 30 minutes to text me back or I’m breaking into your house & responding to myself.