If you add up everyone murdered in BBC crime dramas, there are actually only 40 people still living in the UK
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Me: I made you a CD.
Coworker: This says songs you hate for the people you hate.
first person to peel a carrot: this needs to be slightly smaller
“no gods no masters” = leo
My life coach refuses to tell me which motivational quote will protect me from corona virus 😡
Well well well, if it isn’t the bridge I said I’d burn when I came to it…
I just pulled two buckets that were stuck together apart by myself, so someone might want to let the guy that recruits Avengers know.
Wow, your teeth are white.
Thanks. I’m just curious, what color were you expecting?
Rome wasn’t built in a day but it couldn’t have taken as long as the too slow car wash.
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well…u know that shop where u saw that ring you love
W: OMG YES
M: I’m catching Pokemon near there
dont think ive ever laughed as hard over a halloween costume
I don’t want to hear about any moonlit romantic walks on the beach…unless there’s a clown with a wooden club chasing you.
If I don’t clean my house soon, someone is going to bring in blindfolded ppl for a Frebreeze commercial.
ZUCKERBERG: im ready to answer any questions u might have about facebook
84-YEAR-OLD SENATOR: excellent. mr zuckerberg my farmville farm needs more pigs but i cannot figure out where to purchase them
My toddler got me up at 4:30am because “Eeyore said it’s morning” Stupid donkey ruining my life
Yea baby you like them thick?
Check out my orthopedic shoes.
Went to the farmers market this morning but they didn’t have any farmers I liked
In Hillary’s defense. A lot of your friends probably give you $15,000,000 a few times a year and don’t expect anything in return.
DATE: My last boyfriend was such trash.
ME: *3 raccoons in a trench coat but trying to play it cool* I would not have liked that.
If you stick pop tarts in your pocket before your morning commute, you’ll have a warm breakfast when you get to work.
Make sure to like and retweet this before big toaster has this deleted.
Everything I learned about the Kardashians, I learned against my will.
People always say that when you have two kids that they’ll play together so it’s less work for the parents. Nobody mentions how loud they play together though.
You disagree with me and I bring out the spiked minion bat to put you in your place
never leave a toddler alone in a room with your burritos
[interview at bank]
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I’ve been told I’m a terrible bank robber
Interviewer: what
Me: *looking at fish tank* so is that the safe?
[Weather Channel Secret Memo]
To technical crews:
If blizzard doesn’t reach predicted intensity, shoot all exteriors through snow-globes.
My daughter’s boyfriend left his wallet here. I put girls names & numbers in it. Later today I’ll ask my daughter if he has change for a $20
Don’t just lay there… Move! Bounce! Do something!!
~ me, pleading with my hair
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
there should be a “take your friend to work day” so we can actually see what our friends do all day and meet the characters from all their work stories