I just panic bought 7 gallons of wolf urine and I’m not even sorry.
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A dog catcher implies the existence of a cat dogcher.
I feel sorry for all those girls bragging that they don’t have a gag reflex. They’ll probably die choking on an Olive Garden bread stick.
I almost crashed into the semi in front of me while I was looking at a hot construction worker. That would’ve been an embarrassing obituary.
Cling wrap is for people who want to save food but also wrestle a bear.
I still don’t unmute myself often on group calls at work, but my comically overt nodding game has never been stronger.
I was pretty nervous doing stand-up in front of a bunch of nudists but then I imagined the crowd in their underwear and it helped so much.
Yaba daba do not resuscitate
Oh, man. My grandma caught me texting my OTHER grandma and now things are super tense.
QUESTIONS YOU CAN ANSWER BY PEEING ON THINGS:
1. Am I pregnant?
2. Does my boss have a very forgiving nature?
My dance moves are best described as a woman trying to put on pants 4 sizes too small, with a wasp flying around her head.
If you want your kid to play with their toy just give it to your other kid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
Me *texting* I found a genie!
Wife: ok don’t do anything stupid
Me *finishing my 3rd taco* like what
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
“ew what is that?” is my child’s adorable way of asking what’s for dinner
April Fool’s Day pregnancy jokes stopped being fun when my parents started getting excited instead of scared.
Lucifer: what if we make lots of bugs?
God: love it, it’s done!
[3 days later]
Lucifer: how was your trip to earth?
God: *covered in bug bites* i’m moving your office to the basement.
2020: The Year In Review
Everyone: No
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
One day my neighbors will tell a news crew, “She was nice except she barked for an hour every night at midnight.”
Gordon Ramsay is making us dinner. It’s a four curse meal.
1000s flocked to NJ to see the Virgin Mary in a tree trunk. But, don’t judge them, friends. When was the last time you saw a virgin in NJ?
ANT: hey did you find any food to bring back to the queen?
SUPER FAT ANT: the who?
I just spent ten minutes waving back to a guy in a storefront window before I realized he was just cleaning the glass.
A friend is in jail and I can’t help feeling partially responsible because I framed him for murder.
How confused about the world are you right now, on a scale of 0 to “trying to figure out a friend’s shower”
I know blood in horror movies is just corn syrup, but it’s still terrifying because at this point, that’s basically all my blood is
Baby, tonight let’s put the kids to bed, pour some wine, turn the lights down low & argue over whose turn it is to move the Elf on the Shelf
If you’re having money problems, don’t get discouraged. Two years ago I filed for bankruptcy and now I live in a tent in my uncle’s backyard
I’m at a bar with my old classmates for our 25th high school reunion. I shared a few facts about my friend with a random lady and gave her $20 to approach him and act like she’s part of the old gang. He’s been faking his way through it for 15 minutes now. Just like old times.
Talk to me when you have a shirt & tie that didn’t come in the same box.*
*Grave robbers exempt.