“Stuff that alligator in that dolphin” – God creating sharks
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My kids have voted, and the results are in. It’s official, I’ve been elected the President of Empty Threats.
Wanted: One (1) flat earther to be my friend so I can talk to you when I’m down and you can tell me my belly is actually flat.
No weirdos.
If it sounds better in your head, leave it there.
I try extra hard during sex because I never know if there’s a chameleon secretly watching me.
Summer is the best because there’s always a chance I’ll see someone trip on their own flip flop
Me: I’ve got the singing voice of an angle
Friend: Don’t you mean angel?
M: Nope, people hear me sing and do a complete 180
There’s a lady on my NextDoor app who likes to jump into long threads and write “can we please stop talking about this” with increasing frustration while everyone ignores her and I love her so much
Strip search? Fine but I’m going to need some music.
My service cat has walked me into traffic 14 times today.
I been working on my summer bod: it the same as my regular body, but this time more popsackles in it.
Please stop saying “There are plenty of fish in the sea”. I’m sick of having sex with fish!!
popcorn, or as cerebral smart minds such as myself refer to it ‘popped corn’, is the number #1 food of watching things
Give a man a fish, you feed him for a day.
Give him fish again the second day and he will complain about having to eat the same food everyday.
i don’t think it’ll all fit in there
“Mr Bond I’m afraid your license to chill has been revoked.” “I thought it was a license to kill” “ok that’s part of why we called you here”
Wife: ” What’d you do today?”
Me: “Tell me what you think I did.”
Him: how did your duel with your nemesis go?
Me: *kicks stone* we were approaching each other from a distance and I drew my sword too early and had to hold it out for ages like a doofus
Hot sauce has plenty of vitamin C! *slaps orange out of hand
Abraham Lincoln is in a cent until proven guilty.
Bruce Willis in a lot of action roles he’s played:
Bruce Killis
Realized I never said “unquote” after reciting a famous poem in 10th grade. Sorry if you thought everything I’ve said since is Shakespeare
[dating game]
GIRL: contestant #1 tell me how u would woo me
ME: woo like in duck tales woo woo or a different type of woo?
G: contestant #2
My ex boyfriend listens to Christmas music year round and that’s not even the worst thing about him.
Today’s weather from Yorkshire
for christmas I got the cat a plastic yellow gun that shoots soft fluffy balls for her to chase which she loooves. anyway it’s so funny now when she’s being a pain & we need to distract her one of us will say “cat won’t stop trying to eat from my plate. pass me the gun”
umbrellas are great if you only wanna get wet sideways.
ate a tomato sandwich on the porch and watched some kids kick a can, if anyone wants anything from 1935
I took a shower bc hobo is an aesthetic not a scent
boss: hi
me: *pretends to read an email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read an email”
What’s brown, hairy and wears sunglasses?
A coconut on holiday!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#SaturdayVibes #SaturdayThoughts #Holiday