I say “Have a good one” instead of “Have a nice day” because I’m so mysterious. One what? You just don’t know!
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I live 30 feet from my mother-in-law, Hell holds no surprises.
I’m Agnostic, which means I’m an Atheist with commitment issues.
The field sobriety test was going ok until I grabbed two traffic cones and did a Madonna impersonation.
Alarm clocks would be much more effective if instead of a snooze button they just released bees.
Told my father a joke on our last call. He no longer wants me to visit in July.
I’m rabidly against plagiarism, but I guess if you’re going to steal something, a Columbus joke at least makes sense
moses: watch me split the red sea in half
red sea: i’ve got a boyfriend
A service where I can hire a child actor to come to my home and pretend to love the cartoons I watched back in the day so my kids will think they’re cool and I don’t have to watch any of this new bullshit.
To the Canada goose standing on one leg I watched for six minutes to make sure you had two legs: you sure took your sweet time about it
our love will go down in history
like the Hindenburg
OMG my brother in law, the gift that never stops giving, was tired of being sent to get rice every day so he decided buy in bulk, talked to the shop about it, wires got crossed, now there is a literal TRUCK FILLED WITH RICE outside the house and my sister is losing her shit lmfao
I’m a people pleaser, unless you don’t like that. Then I’m not.
How to get out of a car in front of a large crowd of people
Step 1: forget to take your seat belt off
[eating something that until 40 years ago was considered a once-in-a-lifetime delicacy only fit for royalty]
Me: it’s a little cold 😤
I know it’s dying but it’s difficult for me to let go of this app. I met my wife through Twitter. Who knows what other wives I could meet? Maybe even my second wife.
I asked my twins the best thing about turning 6 and my boy twin said “my hands growing bigger” and my girl twin said “I can drink wine now”
I just opened an email from the vet wishing my dog a happy birthday.
I replied asking them to call her because she can’t read.
*puts a Santa hat on your Halloween decorations*
tall people make me nervous. what the hell are you doing up there? stop eating the leaves off that tree
*trying a new meal*
Wife: how do you like it?
Son: *hesitating* my water’s pretty good
wife *buying dinosaur balloons*
clerk: Is it someone’s birthday? *smiles at toddler*
wife: It is
clerk: How old?
wife: 35
i am going as a ‘credit card’ to this halloween party, cause i plan on being used irresponsibly.
11: Daddy, how long have we been friends for?
Me: That depends. How old are you?
11: I’m eleven.
Me: Then probably 4 or 5 years hahaha
11: See, jokes like that is why we’re no longer friends.
What a wicked game you play
To make me feel this way
What a wicked thing to do
Detective Pikachu
Her: I like a man with an air of mystery.
Me: [trying to impress her] I’m under investigation for murder.
My teen is officially at the part of math where I need to sit down with him and say, “Son, we are a family of idiots.”
There aren’t any 50% off Fourth of July candy sales today, but surely there are some fingers half off.