[First day as a surgeon]
Me: Oops…..
[Last day as surgeon]
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doctor: u might want to sit down
me: omg why?
doctor: you’re not the real slim shady
911: Sir, I understand you think it did it against your will and was aggressive but we can’t arrest an auto flush toilet.
Me: I WASNT READY
Can someone call my keys? I forgot where I put them
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
Cleaning out the clutter in my house / garage, so if anyone is in need of a spouse that snores and kids that don’t listen, they’ll be out front.
How apt that, after listening to “hold music” for an hour, I need a hug.
“Ooh January’s been going on so long, when will it end?” Well now it has and what have we got? February. Well done you idiots
*throws coin in fountain*
stranger: can you not do that?
Me: just want my wish to come true
S: this is a drinking fountain
m: wish came true
If you really want people to notice you, be a typo.
“Do you need help with your math homework Billy?”
“Yeah I sure do Dad!”
“Well you’re shit out of luck”
Whenever people say “don’t judge me” I like to imagine them in the weird wigs British judges wear.
*whispers*
Judged you.
🌱🌱🌱
When I got my new jacket ,they said it was reversible. I tried it both ways ,but I had a hard time working the zipper behind my back
Scooby Doo led me to believe there would be a LOT more abandoned amusement parks and old people pretending to be ghosts.
So Disappointed.
YOU CAN’T KICK ME OUT OF THE INTERNATIONAL HOUSE OF PANCAKES LINDA I HAVE DIPLOMATIC IMMUNITY
If someone says, “right about now” and you don’t respond with “the funk soul brother” we can’t be friends.
Heading to the dentist. I hope they’ve all taken their Valium and said their prayers.
saw a post the other day explaining how killer whales became the #1 predators of cows in Alaska. turns out cows love to eat the kelp churned up by rough seas. also turns out cows get hit by waves and washed out to sea.
also cows float. 😂🐄🦈
Just tell me those 3 words I am dying to hear:
“The meeting’s cancelled.”
Me: “Go to bed, the cows are already asleep in the field.”
Son: “So what?”
Me: “It’s pasture bedtime.”
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: [struggling on floor] Yoga
WIFE: At the bottom of the stairs?
ME:
WIFE: You fell down the stairs
ME: Yes
the perfect lunchbox d̶o̶e̶s̶n̶’̶t̶ ̶e̶x̶i̶s̶t̶
Westjet tells you to show up 2 hours early, which usually means you’ll be arriving at the airport 8 hours before your flight leaves.
*montage of me teaching a penguin to do everything my son Brian can do*
Wife: Where’s Brian?
Me: [studying her closely] He’s… right here?
Crazy how women have the stereotype of being chatty when 90% of dudes have 45 minute podcasts that no one listens to…
I think my life exists only so an angel can show the successful me from an alternate universe of how much worse it could have been!
#alternative
Se7en, but instead of deadly sins, the murders are based on different Smurfs.
never compromise your values