*Snowstorm on it’s way*
America – we need to stock up on bread and milk!
Canadians – better hit the beer store.
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Him: I’m leaving you
Me: *eating a cantaloupe like an apple* why though
I’m 40 so binge-watching a series means falling asleep mid-episode and rewatching the same one over because I forgot what happened in the beginning.
Thinking of leaving a fake bloody arm inside the blood pressure machine at this CVS pharmacy.
* My life flashes before my eyes*
Me, a mom: Why did I only see laundry?!
Why did Kermit The Frogs name feel the need to clarify he was a frog?
4-year-old: Tell me a scary story!
Me: One time little people popped out of your mom and they never stopped asking questions.
4: Why?
I guess if macaroni had to be named after a body part, elbow was better than some other options.
Welcome to your 40s. When you’re hungry your stomach sounds like a storm coming in.
At the end of first grade, my teacher said “your handwriting was pretty good, at the beginning of the year” and that is how I learned about backhanded compliments
(Writing in food journal)
me: for lunch I had sa………
trainer: (interrupting) salad. awesome.
me: sake.
[First Date]
Sorry for the mess. My mother said pudding on a condom was important.
commenting “so brave” on every couple photo on valentine’s day, as a treat
Trains should still have a caboose, if you stop to watch it go by you should be rewarded with a good ending
Top Seven Things Men Don’t See Coming:
7. Plot twists
6. Police cruiser
5. Love
4. Trash day
3. Health issues
2. Her reaction
1. That
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
-Sorry I was sick and missed your party.
-It’s next Saturday.
-Sorry I’m going to get sick and miss your party.
“Please let go of my hair”
-my gynaecologist
I hate it when someone says “here’s the thing…” and then doesn’t give me a thing.
Just saw 2 men with nets, a bag of worms and some rods. Definitely something fishy going on
If you had to decide between being fat and rich or poor and skinny, what bridge would you sleep under?
INTERVIEWER: your resume says that you take things too literally
ME: how the hell did my resume say that?
Me: I’m sorry; I don’t remember your name. I know it starts with an S though…. Sledgehammer, Salamander, Slappy…
Him: Steve…my name is Steve.
Me: Yeah, no, I would’ve never gotten that.
Earlier today every man and his brother were talking to me at Home Depot and at first I thought maybe I was ovulating? Then I looked in the mirror and realized what was different. I brushed my hair this morning.
I made the mistake of telling my kids “effort is all that matters” and now they tell me that every time I cook
A wife is like a hand grenade.
Remove the ring, and your house is gone.
sleep paralysis demon: ew. why are you so sweaty?
If u love someone and they don’t love u back the first thing you need to do is make them a scrapbook with you both in little wedding outfits
[while laying in the tub for 35 minutes] what about a cologne that smells like cereal?
[adding more hot water to the tub] but what cereal?
My girlfriend said we should each pick a “hall pass”, just in case we ever met that person. I chose Kate Upton and she chose her roommate Connor
My 4yo asked me for a ninja shaped pancake. I made her a circle because that’s all my pancake making skill level allows me to make. She was like, “umm… where’s the ninja??” So I told her that it’s so fast you can’t see it and she said “wow! Thanks mom!” Lmao