Boss: HR wants to see you
Me: What for?
Boss: Mandatory drug test
Me: Oh man, I really can’t do any more drugs after the weekend I had
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I love ordering from Panera because it’s always a surprise. Am I going to get the spinach-egg white-avocado sandwich I ordered, or perhaps a steak and egg bagel? Maybe a lovely tomato soup for breakfast? It’s like a don’t-pick-your-own adventure!
Genie: If you say another word, your going to die.
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ
me: I don’t need to write it down, I’ll remember
me 5 seconds later: oh no
Just ran into my therapist and she didn’t recognize me and I’m not sure who I’m supposed to talk to about this
People who say they don’t have a mean bone in their body haven’t had their back go out on them.
8yo: Daddy, I wrote a short story called Attack of the Killer Kittens.
me: oh wow ok…
8yo: Mommy is the superhero who makes all the kittens be good instead of evil.
me: nice, what about me?
8yo: you get eaten.
This red flag smells like chloroformZZZ.
My therapist said to choose a “calming” word to keep repeating to myself when I’m angry. I chose “Stabbing”.
We’ll see if it helps.
ME: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
MY LAWYER: would you please stop saying that
It’s wild how I barely notice the flavor of a cucumber when I bite into one, but when I taste an “infused” water I’m like BY JOVE, A CUCUMBER’S BEEN HERE I’D BET MY LIFE ON IT.
Meteorologists are always talking about the weather and hardly ever about meteors.
Me: I prefer the natural look
Sephora: oh, then you’ll need these 15 products
Went inside my dresser hoping to find Narnia but all I saw was that stupid guy I killed
I really wish Facebook would stop suggesting that I make a FB story while showing me the most recent photo in my camera roll, it’s my freaking grocery shopping list
I’m just like the ghostbusters, except I chase squirrels around my neighborhood with a vacuum cleaner
I shall have another coffee for I am sleeping standing
and on the 6th day god created coffee so thee would not commit murder or some shit like that. amen.
if this isn’t a simulation then how does my cat know exactly where i’m going when i’m carrying something heavy
Is there a term for when you unlock your car but you get caught talking to a coworker in the parking lot and the car re-locks itself before you open the door but when you park at home and forget to lock it it stays unlocked?
The bear sleeping bag is completely awesome.
when your parents get a divorce you gotta figure out if pokemon mom or pokemon dad has better exclusives. lucky if you have a sibling so you can each pick one and trade
*walks in house wearing a large neck brace*
oh no, what happened?
“my earbud cord got caught on a chair while I was walking”
The road to hell is paved with good intentions
Note to self…avoid good intentions at all costs.
*First and last date:
“Wanna see my rain predictin’ knee?”
Sorry I wore my ” If you can read this my hiking partners been eaten by a bear. ” T-shirt when we went camping
“The cat spilled water. Don’t worry, your coloring book’s fine” isn’t a thing my gf thought she’d ever say to a grown man, but here we are.
I’m hoping the next currency fad will be allen wrenches. I’ll be a gazillionaire.
Turns out Leaf Blower Guy, my neighbour of 10 years, knows my actual name so I guess I’m left with no choice but to do the adult thing here and find out his by stealing his mail.
If pizza places cold called people’s homes and asked if they wanted to order a pizza, I guarantee you their business would triple.
my kids’ favourite game was MAMA CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUF! so no, I’m not worried about the vaccine