It’s wet right there and I don’t know why
– a one sentence horror story
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Prince Charming: yes she left her shoe now I can find her!
Friend: uh you can find her by recognising her face
Prince Charming:
Friend:
Prince Charming: she left her shoe
Leonardo the Vinci was 33 when he painted the sixteen chapel and here I am, 38 and I’ve not painted any chapels at all.
Hillary Duff is short for Hillarious Dufflebag
Remember that it’s “i before e” …
Except when feigning a heist on a
weird, feisty, beige foreign neighbor.
My granddad just said if I was having trouble getting rid of coffee stains on my teeth I should soak them in Clorox. I had to remind him that my teeth don’t come out
There are two types of people in the world, those who sweat when eating spicy food and those whose nose drips when eating spicy food.
recruiter: u should join the army
octopus: buddy I’m army enough as it is
*watching Dateline* wow this is the worst dating show ever
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
It was just that one time that autocorrect changed mourning to mounting, but never again would my wife ask me to write the eulogy for one of her elderly relatives.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship No, I don’t think we are on the same page.
I think it’s bad coaching to tell kids to choke up on the bat. matter of fact i don’t think children should be eating baseball bats at all.
Leaving your home without your smart phone is modern day camping. You’re out there in the wild with no way of making contact with anyone, roughing it up on your way to pick up dry cleaning.
Friend 1:
I swam with the dolphins in Mexico.Friend 2:
I swam with a sea lion in Jamaica.Me:
I swam with a fat guy in Reno.
I thought my Monday couldn’t get any worse but then Linda from HR said I can’t *make* people in the office call me Stingray.
Cher: Do you believe in life after love?
Me: *checks dictionary*
No.
person: calm down
me: *calm immediately goes up*
According to my laptop, my New Year’s resolution is 1680 x 1050.
isnt birdbox bandersnatch the guy who plays dr. strange
me: the Kool-Aid man was basically a reverse vampire. he’d go into people’s houses uninvited and have them drink his blood
my therapist: again, it’s not technically wrong but I’m concerned you have diagrams
What happens in Vegas shows up on your credit card statement the following month.
Your dog is hyper if he skips his afternoon walk.? Oh please. You should see my raccoon after a can of Mountain Dew.
“I love potatoes! They are delicious and so versatile. If only they could get me laid…”
-how vodka was born
Me: Sorry I don’t talk much.
Date: It’s okay. I don’t listen much.
According to a new study, people who often trail off in the middle of a sentence are 30% more likely to
I like my coffee like I like my women.
Not banging my friends.
me: *throwing a fudgie the whale cake into the ocean* HAPPY BIRTHDAY EARTH
Friend: what are u doing
Me: training my pet rock
Friend: that’s dumb
Pet Rock: *leaps from my hand & hits him in the face*
Me: no rocky, no
*a horse walks into a china shop
“Wait – if I’m *here*, that means-“
[cut to bull destroying bar and goring customers]
There are really only two seasons:
soup
salad