ME: I’ll have the burger.
WAITER: And how do you like your burger?
ME: I don’t know. You haven’t brought it to me yet.
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15 just called The Beastie Boys old people music so it looks like we’re gonna be empty nesters a few years ahead of schedule
I wish offended people reacted like fainting goats. No, it wouldn’t solve a thing, but life would be so entertaining.
Her: It must be difficult raising a child on your own.
Me: *lifting kid up* Nah its easy, dummy.
My dog barks for 2 reasons:
1. When somewhere in the world another dog is barking.
2. When somewhere in the world no other dog is barking.
Email: 48 people have viewed your LinkedIn profile
Me: I still have a LinkedIn profile?
Mary Had a Little Lamb, Little Lamb, Little
Lamb. Maybe she wasn’t that hungry.
being my friend involves faking enthusiasm whenever I say “look how long my hair is getting”
Your resume just says “falconer”
“And?”
Well, this is a bank
*falcon starts break-dancing*
“Not yet Tyler, wait until he offers us the job”
Papa Bear: I wish he’d Mackle more.
Mama Bear: I wish he’d Mackle less.
Baby Bear: I tore the throat out of a girl who stole our porridge.
“I have a date with destiny”
Yeah well, I’m in a long term relationship with the consequences of my actions
You don’t understand how hard it is to play Dungeons & Dragons when your dragon is gay, fabulous and always protesting violence. It’s hard.
– Twitter Closing inactive accounts
– Google Closing Inactive accounts
– Internet Archive & Wayback Machine Under Attack
– Nintendo going after Emulators
I’m starting to see a pattern. Now would be the time to back up ANYTHING you have not secured locally.
I’ve been drinking.
One day my dad was outside watching a thunder and lightning storm and my mom brought him a metal chair to sit in.
A love story
I ate a piece of chocolate and thought I found a crumb of it on my laptop keyboard and ate it but it was a bug so that wasn’t ideal.
My 3yo just straight-faced handed me a mirror and asked if I wanted to see something yucky!
New neighbor: Hi. It’s nice to meet you.
Me: It’s nice to meet you too. This is my daughter, 9
Neighbor: What’s your Twitter @
Me: DAMMIT
Whenever I destroy an ant hill with the leaf blower, I imagine the footage of the terrible blownado being shown on ant tv the next morning.
me: ugh i hate subway. worst fast food chain by far
alien I befriended: on my planet there is no word for “hate”
cushion on the right slightly discoloured
A warlock cursed me to forever be standing in line behind people trying to remember the name of a movie, and I know exactly what movie it is
Back in the old days you had to settle for someone within a 50 mile radius to love. Now with social media the whole world can disappoint you.
“I bring you news from the front, m’lord. Food bowls are empty, litter boxes are full, and the natives are getting restless.”
“Say again” – I wasn’t listening
“Pardon?” – I didn’t hear you
“Eh?” – What are you on about?
“You what?” – What the hell are you on about?
“What did you just say?” – I might have to fight you
“I beg your pardon” – I might have to challenge you to a duel
She asked me to buy Tampons so I bought Kotex, because that one time I wanted ice cream and she bought frozen yogurt.
My 4-year-old has a tummyache and before she went to bed she asked how you get the egg out of your body, so that’s how I found out she’s spent her whole life thinking we get tummyeggs when we don’t feel well.
Hate is too strong of a word, but to the guy who brought a cowbell to a 7am youth hockey game, I very much dislike you
Me: go get em tiger!
Tiger: *mauls everyone*
BILLY JOEL: Only the good die young.
CLIMATE CHANGE: Actually I’m not gonna be picky.