[At a child’s birthday party, holding a poorly taxidermied possum]
I heard someone likes stuffed animals!
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She told me she’d do anything for 20 bucks. Guess who just got his Mustang washed.
[speed dating]
Me: Have you ever choked someone?
“No I would never do something like that”
Me: Next
If my name was Simon I would always talk in the third person when telling someone to do something.
genie: i will grant you any wish
me: i wish soup was spelled like soop
genie: [frowning] no
I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.
My friend got fired from her job just for eating chips. I hope she can find another job in the casino industry.
Villain: Hand over your gun.
*I hand him my gun*
Villain: And your sidepiece.
*I hand him my sock*
I need all your thoughts and prayers, I’m fine, but my niece is staying with us and I forgot how many questions a 9 year old asks
Ever woken up, kissed the person sleeping next to you and felt glad to be alive? I just did, so I won’t be catching this train again.
Eve: *chewing* what was that thing we weren’t supposed to eat?
God: please tell me you didn’t eat the apple
Eve: *licking fingers* oh haha no
God: …where’s Adam?
Sometimes I cross things off my to-do list that I haven’t done.
To remind myself that I control the list.
People always say “unceremoniously fired” like it ever happens any other way. I’d like to see a big ceremony for firing somebody. Get the gang together. Order a cake. Wear some special robes.
Others: if you want your house to smell like xmas take a pot of water & add sliced oranges,cinnamon sticks, vanilla, peppercorns, cranberries, forage for 3 pine branches and simmer all day
Me: lights xmas candle
Nephew loses one of a kind, antique, family heirloom.
-Lord of the Rings
★☆☆☆☆
I got into a fight with 1, 3, 5, 7, and 9.
The odds were against me.
I’m less popular then mushrooms, because I’m not a fungi
“So hell isn’t too bad,” I say from the podium. “I just keep teaching?”
“Actually…” said a demon
“Actually…” said another
“ACTUALLY…”
When your workplace is in chaos but your shift ended 6 seconds ago
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
I love October. When else do say things like I’ll take a caramel apple & one ticket to be chased through a farmhouse with a butcher knife please.
It’s that time of year when the neighbors start longing for winter days because they’re tired of seeing me at the mailbox in my drawers.
Growing up, a lot of people had crushes on Jennifer Aniston. I just liked her as a friend.
My local coffee shop has one of those “No WiFi, pretend it’s the old days” signs so I robbed them and made them promise not to use DNA evidence to convict me.
*puts PLEASE SPEAK AS LOUDLY AS POSSIBLE WHEN ORDERING sign on drive-thru*
*watches people scream into the box*
That’ll teach them to get my order wrong.
[Congress]
MARK ZUCKERBERG: if you do not harvest your crops in a timely manner on Farmville they will die, I cannot stress this enough
Husband said, “If you were really THAT funny you wouldn’t have to always say COME ON, THAT WAS FUNNY.”
So now I have a tombstone to select
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
China are probably making all the medals anyway.