you’re born holding the world record for “newest baby” but the very first thing you do is lose that record to a newer baby. welcome to life.
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You can take your favorite hat on vacation or you can take a junk hat in case you lose it. I have forgotten both.
my 8yr old daughter has to touch 3 cats before she can do anything.
we only have two cats.
It’s amazing how kids can’t think of a thing to do all day long but you put them to bed at 11 pm & they’re busy working on a cure for cancer
My husband complained that I never do a Sunday roast so I’ve spent the last hour writing jokes about his bald spot, his skinny legs and the fact that he can’t grow a beard.
think about this. if u put a banana down u have to put it on its side. but if u slice it and put those slices flat they r actually standing up. this is why i don’t trust bananas. they r never as they seem
*Tries to start the wave at a funeral
I wish I had my mom’s zest for living. she once took a kitchen knife and carved a giant hole in the wall of her closet because she “always wanted a house with a secret passage.” mom you live in a trailer
My dog: PLAY WITH ME!
Me: *grabs toy*
My dog: not that one….. nope…..not that one either…hate that one…. never that one….what was the first one again?….still no….
IN CASE OF FIRE BREAK GLASS
*breaks glass*
*a glazed honey ham pops out*
“Nice nice”
[courtroom]
me: good morning, Judge McDonald
Judge: you will address the court properly
Me:
Judge: or be found in contempt
Me: Good morning, Your Ronald
People think I’m kissing an imaginary girl when I play air tuba.
Dating is just wondering why some people are single and figuring it out.
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those “eat right and exercise” scams.
Your boss takes you way more serious if you text him a picture of him sleeping in bed..
Being eaten by zombies sounds less painful than running away from zombies.
Fun prank: a chameleon exhibit with no chameleon.
[first date]
HER: Aww, look at that poor old woman at the table in the corner, sitting all alone.
ME: That’s my mom. She wanted to check you out.
MOM: *shakes head, makes throat-cutting gesture*
ME: Don’t worry. That means she likes you.
setting a small grass fire next to my inflatable pool and then asking the firefighters to fill it up while they’re here
Best movie gangster: The iceberg in Titanic
At 7:00am I dropped my nail file on the floor, so I squatted down to pick it up… And at 7:20am I finally got up!!!
Earth: “You’re causing tidal waves!”
Moon: “So?”
Earth: “I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation!”
Moon: “Very funny.”
Husband: my back hurts
Me, cracking my neck and knuckles while speaking in a fake Russian accent: I massage you???
my date ended up being a mannequin
i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the movies
If you cut off a mommy blogger’s head she can continue mommy blogging for up to three full minutes.
Much to my 12yo son’s horror, I just sang along to Ace of Base’s “The Sign” at full volume in a van full of his friends. Being a dad is fun!
The only good thing about grinding your teeth at night is that every morning you can wake up and do a line of teeth off your pillow
Having someone sing you to sleep is so comforting.
Until you realize you live alone.
[finishing last sip of wine]
waiter: would you like another glass?
me: no just refill this one
Me: and for my last wish, I want to be hung like a horse.
Genie: As you command. *a massive, extra strong gallows and noose appears*